Relief
by lovedrreid
Summary: 'I bleed for you that's why I cut those simple scars are just deep thoughts.' Warning: Suicide, Self Injury. Not graphic but may be triggering.
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

Relief

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A/N: Ahhh, yes, another songfic. I have alot of these already done. just too lazy to publish. Anyway... this one is fictionous... as some of mine are thoughts on real episodes. Rated T to be sure... blah, blah, blah... you know the drill.

Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is in no shape or form, mine. As much as I wish, but my wishes don't come true.

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It starts with One thing I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme To explain in due time

Morgan and Hotch discussed the... abnormal behavior of their youngest. He'd been acting distant, almost a cry for help... but the problem was far out of reach for their findings. Nothing seemed to trigger anything, but being profilers, there was always a trigger for a mild temper.

Spencer Reid was acting, out of nowhere, distant and shy. He'd always been socially akward and shy, but this was a whole new level. He didn't want to talk during briefings or giving profiles. When he'd give an idea, he'd always look away when the eyes were on him. When they, as in Morgan and Hotch, tried to talk to him, he'd become even more distant. Even offending at some points. They had suggested drugs again, but they didn't believe it. The last incident with it, he was the exact opposite. He was talking and into the investigations, but snappy and angry. They were left clueless.

It got even worse when he'd gone to the bathroom after briefing. He was in there for about ten minutes. They all shared worried glances, just as they were after he was continuously late while he was on Dilaudid. Hotch gave him a small glare, but quickly wiped it away when he looked like he was going to cry. Hotch walked up to him instead.

"Reid... can I talk to you in my office." Reid looked worried. Wondering if he'd found out, he obeyed his superior's orders and followed him into the fairly sized office. Hotch gestured for him to sit in a seat across from his desk. "I'm going to get strait to the point... what has been going on with you lately? Not as your boss, but as a concerned friend." Reid was confused. Concerned friend? Was he hallucinating. Must not have been because the stare, the unblinking stare, didn't fade away, but stayed solid.

"Nothing Hotch. I'm just... a little... laid back?" Reid wasn't sure of his choice of words, but it seemed to have some kind of affect. "I don't really know what you're talking about. I'm fine. Nothing different." Reid shrugged. He suddenly felt self-conscious over his arms. He folded them in a hiding something way. Hotch noticed the behavior and frowned.

"Well... whatever it is, you know you can tell me." Reid nodded, glancing at his arms. He desperately needed to go home. Lock himself in the bathroom to do what he felt need to be done. He had to do it... he desperately needed to feel the relief it gave him. How it made him feel so much better.

"If that's it... I'd like to finish my paperwork so I can go home." Hotch nodded in defeat. Reid was thankful he wasn't trying to push him on the subject. Spencer's mother had been reacting... differently... to her new medications, which was worrying her doctors and Spencer, also. He just needed to feel relief.

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He went for a walk instead of going home. He needed the fresh air, clear his head. Spencer didn't know why he felt so aweful, but he knew how he would feel better, but he didn't want to at the point. He sat on a bench in the park and fed the birds... just as Gideon did everyday after work. His love for birds astounded everyone.

Reid knew he wouldn't be able to fight the urge any longer... he desperately needed the relief. He started walking home. When he got there, he did what he had to do to feel relief. Afterwards, he grabbed a book and a cup of coffee. As soon as he started on the page, there was a knock at the door. The door was answered. It was Hotch.

"May I talk to you?" Reid shrugged and opened the door more to let him in. He reluctantly walked in and sat on the couch, Reid sat next to him. "Reid... I've been thinking. If you need time to deal with whatever you're dealing with, go ahead. You need some time off." Spencer crossed his arms from self consciousness again. And again, Hotch frowned.

"Why do you think there's something wrong?" Hotch's frown deepened. Reid kept glancing at his arm, but he did not dare to push the questions.

"Reid... I'm a profiler. Forgive me if I break the profiling rule, but... you've become more distant... almost self conscious. You avoid eye contact and seem slightly irritable..." Reid covered his ears.

"Stop... just stop. I already know. I have a right to a personal life, Hotch!"

"You do, and I'm respecting that. I'm just asking as a friend." Reid nodded, but buried his arms deeper into his torso, which made Hotch even more worried. "What is it? You're acting even more self conscious, especially about your arms... if I had to guess... well, you know. But I don't have enough evidence to back it up. So I'll ask you once more, are you sure?" Reid let the anger take over.

"Of course I am! Why can't you just believe me?! I'm just... tired." Hotch nodded.

"I'm going to let you rest, but I'm expecting a better answer within the next few days." Hotch got up and walked to the door. He didn't say anything as he left. Reid suddenly needed relief once again... he went to his bathroom to stop the urge... to get relief that he so desperately needed.

A/N: Sorry this is so short. This will probably be only two or three chapters, so, just think of it as... I don't really know! Just think of it as a mini series... sort of. What do you think the relief Reid is getting from? Bettcha can't guess. Hehehehehe, I know. Kinda obvious isn't it? 


	2. Chapter 2: In The End

Relief: Part two

A/N: You think you guessed it? Think ur exact? Let's see if ur right.

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Reid was angry... past angry. Who was Hotch to come butting into his personal life. Spencer had to repeatedly insist he was alright. He needed the relief... desperately needed. He walked to his bathroom once more to his source of relief.

Hotch watched the continued abnormal behavior from the young doctor at work. He counted how many times Reid buried his arms when someone got close... he lost count by lunch. He decided he was going to demand Reid to show him. He was scared of the outcome of drugs... he didn't want to, but he had to know. It was gnawing at his stomach everytime he'd hide his arms.

Lunch, Reid wasn't happy to see Hotch walking to him. He quickly crossed his arms tightly around his body. "Reid... my office. Now!" Hotch said with a stern voice. Reid hesitantly followed Hotch. Once he was in the office, Hotch closed the door behind him. One thing that he rarely did when he was going to say something serious, he'd shut the blinds, also... which he did. Reid wanted to just leave... to go home... to his relief source that was in his bathroom. He didn't even sit at his desk. "Reid... I want to see your arms. You always bury them when someone talks to you." Reid ignored his demand. "Now, Reid!" Hotch noticed he wasn't going to without a fight. Hotch immediately took Reid's arms. He fought trying to keep his arms close. "Stop fighting me..." Reid finally gave up. Hotch pulled his sleeves up.

"Hotch... I..."

Hotch had his eyes closed... trying to get the image out of his head. "You... I didn't expect this of you... I don't know what to say about this... I'm sorry I wasn't here for you." Reid had already pulled his sleeves down. "I didn't expect you to be a... cutter. I need to see your arms again. I want to make sure they aren't infected." Reid nodded with tears on his face.

"I didn't want you to know... It's just... my mom. She's reacting badly to her new meds. What about my job?" Reid asked as Hotch inspected his arms.

"I have to take you off the team as long as it takes you to stop this. I'm sorry I have to do that to you. I want you to go to therapy and support groups... I don't... I didn't expect this... I was expecting... drugs." Reid wiped his tears.

"I will... and... I am so sorry for not telling you."

''It's alright..." Hotch gave him a hug. Reid let the tears stream down his face. "I'm going to help you."

Reid went home. He had the urge to cut again, but tried to fight it. It was almost as bad as cravings for Dilaudid were. He lasted three hours, but relapsed. He hurried to his bathroom. Once he was done, he looked in the mirror. It was like a ghost. He hadn't slept in days... all he looked like was death. He saw a dead body soon to become, and decided it wasn't soon enough. He grabbed a paper.

'I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. It's only a matter of time before I become my mother, and I don't want that. I'm not strong enough. I think this is the best for me. Please try to forget me, don't remember the bad things about me.  
I love all of you'  
Spencer Reid

The tears dripped onto the paper as he wrote. He knew there wasn't a better way to end his life other than the reason he wanted to. He took the very sharp razor and put it to his wrists. With one quick slice, he slowly fell to the bed and his vision slowly faded. Sweet pain... sweet death. He heard a door open. Hotch. He didn't take time to take it all in. He quickly dialed 9-11 and wrapped the sheets around his wrists. He didn't notice his own tears falling onto the boys face. He was barely conscious.

"Hotch... please... don't. Leave." Were all the words he could mumble out. The paramedics arrived quickly. three minutes. Reid made it alive. Hotch knew he'd have to take a lot of time to recover. He rode with him in the ambulance. He was conscious again.

"Hey..." Reid looked away.

"Why... why didn't you leave? I didn't want this." He drifted away again. Unconscious. Sweet utter darkness. He let the darkness take him. It seemed as if only a few seconds later, his eyes were open to a bright room. Hospital. Hotch was there, too. "Why didn't you leave. I wanted you to..."

"Because I promised I'd help you... and I will keep that promise. The doctors think that you should be admitted to a mental institution for a while. Along with therapy. I won't allow you to come back to work until I'm sure you're no longer a danger to yourself. Am I clear?'' Reid nodded. It hurt his throat to talk.

"But in the end... it doesn't even matter..." His last words before he drifted into a fitful sleep.

"You also have to fall to lose it all... I won't let you do that.''

I tried so hard and got so far But in the end it doesn't even matter I had to fall to lose it all But in the end it doesn't even matter

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A/N: hahahaha! did I trick u into thinking drugs. anyway... song: in the end by: linkin park duhhhhhhhh!!!! who doesn't know that song?!!!!!!! anyway.... success? fail? let me know! have a monkey! (*_*) 


	3. Chapter 3: The beginning

Relief:

A/N: Okay, if you guys want.... Finally got to writing some more of this. I didn't want to follow up from it, but... seems people are liking it. Sorry, this is not my top priority. I have some other stories I'm working on: 'The effects of rehab', 'Amanda's Revenge', 'The romance of prentiss and Reid', 'Team Cases', Crossover prologue for The lovely bones and Criminal Minds, and 'Team Members Journal' and, on top of it, I have exams coming up. My first exams! Gosh... sorry I have a lot to work on, but I've been known to keep updates comin'.  
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Reid fell into the darkness of sleep. He never wanted to leave it. It was too good. But, just like his luck, it was soon over. He was awake to the same, plain white hospital room in a baggy gown. He was with Hotch again, but dared not look him in the eyes. Too much disappointment for him to take in from one person. He dared not make any acknowlegement he was there, either.

"Reid, the doctors said you can leave this afternoon..." He didn't get a response. "Reid... look at me. You need to talk to me. This won't disappear just from ignoring people." Reid forced his eyes to look at Hotch.

"I don't want to talk. I don't want any help. I don't need help. I don't want to LIVE! So just leave me alone." Reid turned his head back. Hotch just let him vent. He needed to.

"Okay. But that's still not going to stop me from admitting you to a mental health facility. It just determines whether you're going to be there long or not."

"You can't do that. You don't have any control over me."

"Oh really. Remember when Gideon left? You instead gave me power of attorney. And with that power, I'll make sure you get the help you need. You're not going to just go back to your apartment and try to attempt suicide again."

"Just leave me alone. I won't do it again, I won't do any of that again. I just want to be alone."

"No. We're going to come to a conclusion and we're going to talk about the options." Hotch said.

"Options?" Reid asked.

"Yeah, it'll be hard to get you to a mental institution without losing your job. We have to consider all the possibilities."

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm going home and I'll do whatever I want." Reid said with an attitude not soon forgotten.

"No you're not. I'm not going to let you kill yourself." Hotch said.

"Yes you are. I want to. There isn't one reason for me to live."

"You have a lot of reasons to live." Reid calmed.

"Like what. I ask myself everyday, but I can't answer it."

Hotch stared for a moment. He knew what he had to live for, but he also knew suicidals didn't think of anything as a reason to live.

"You'll have to answer that yourself." Reid nodded.

"I've been depressed..." He started to sob, along with his voice wavering. "I-I didn't know what I was doing. I just thought that I would have a permanant escape if I..." Hotch nodded. "It was like I couldn't control it."

"You did know what you were doing though. But you didn't know what you'd be leaving."

"Yeah, that's what I meant." Reid said with a sad smile.

"What do you want to do? It's all up to you." Hotch said.

"I... I want to get better, but I still want to do my job. I don't want to be away from all of you." Hotch nodded. "I have something to tell you. I haven't told anyone else. The only one that knows is my mom, not even my dad, well, it's not that bad, but..."

"What is it?" Hotch asked.

"I-I have ---------------  
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A/N: oooooh so sorry to leave it short. I wanted to leave a cliffie! hehehehe. Betcha can't guess what it is! 


	4. Chapter 4: Bad Flashbacks

A/N: So apparently the A/N at the end of chapter two was somehow insulting? (Look at Reviews) and I will be disabling anonymous reviews from now on because of that so I couldn't reply. Sorry, blame the people who want to take certain things seriously. If you are actually reading this (person that did review) I have no clue at all how it's insulting or childish. It's called sarcasm. Maybe you shouldn't read these if you're offended too easily the way you apparently were.  
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"I have... bipolar disorder." Hotch wasn't shocked.

"Well, I kind of figured you had some kind of depression disorder. You also have a decision to make soon."

"I don't want to be admitted, but I do want to be better." Hotch nodded.

"Well, how are you going to do that?" Hotch asked.

Reid shrugged. "I don't know. If I don't get help, I know... I'll..." He didn't need to say more for Hotch to understand.

"I'll make a deal with you. You'll stay on the team, but I'll keep an eye on you. No leaving my sight, okay. I'll always be here for you whenever need be." Reid nodded. "Do we have a deal?"

"I guess."

Hotch paused for a moment. "I want you to see a therapist and see about getting a prescription for you know what."

"Does the team know?" Hotch shook his head. "Can we keep it that way?"

"They'll find out sooner or later."

"Later is better. When do I get to leave?"

"In a few hours. We just need to wait for the doctor to give you a prescription for anti-biotics." Reid nodded once.

Reid tried to move his arms, but he accidently brushed them against the bed, making him wince with fresh pain covering the dull.

"Ouch!"

"Are you alright? You have to be more careful."

"That fucking hurt." He was still wincing at the pain. "I so dumb. What was I thinking?"

"You weren't." Hotch answered aimlessly.

"My point. I wasn't thinking at all. I just... did it." Hotch nodded.

"I don't know why I started doing it. I just..." He paused for a few moments. "Sometimes, I wish I was dead. For no particular reason. I'm just crying for no reason at all. I don't get it. I blame my Dad a lot. I blame him for..." Reid stopped.

"What is it?" Reid shook his head.

"Nothing. Just for leaving us." Reid answered. He immediately took his eyes off Hotch and rested them on every spot of the room.

"Reid... what did he do?" Reid forced himself to look Hotch in the eye and blinked back the tears that were building up.

"Nothing! Why do you think something happened?"

"If you don't want to tell me, it's fine. You can tell me when you're ready." Hotch sighed.

"I'll tell you he did something that makes me want to shove him in a blender and watch him fall apart." Reid smiled evilly in a jokingly way.

"Well, don't make me worry more."

"I'm going to go to sleep. I'm tired." Reid yawned.

"Okay, I'll be right here. I'll wake you up when it's time to go."

It didn't take him long to fall into a restless sleep. He dreamt of something he wished to never live again.

In his dream:

His dad, William Reid, bolted up the stairs.

"Spencer! What did I tell you? I said no more listening to that damn so called music." Spencer quickly shut it off. William took him by the arms and dragged him into the living room and through the front door. They lived in a very public neighborhood, mostly his highschool classmates were there. His dad pulled his pants and his underwear down and started brutilly beating his backside. The rest laughed. After minutes and minutes of merciless beating, they got bored and left. His dad didn't stop though. He kept going after minutes. In the end of all the torture, his whole backside was a nasty red and black bruise.

His father dragged him into the bathroom and did something even worse. He molested him for minutes more of torture. His dad was indeed merciless. Then, he didn't even bother to pull Spencer's pants back on, he was once again dragged to the living room where he watched his mom and father fight. She was trying to protect Spencer, but with her Schizophrenia, she was helpless. He watched helplessly at his father beathing his mother until she was, too, bruised.

"Stop! Stop!" Hotch stood near Spencer and gently rubbed his back. "Dad! Stop!" Hotch wasn't going to take it anymore. He shook Spencer until he woke.

"What did he do to you?" Hotch demanded. He knew very well it must've been bad.

"I don't want to talk about it." Reid turned to face the opposite wall, but Hotch turned him back.

"Reid. You need to tell me now." He nodded reluctantly.

"Okay..." He went through the whole story, and Hotch listened in shock and pity. By the time the story was over, Reid was in tears and Hotch was holding him in his arms telling him it was okay.

"It's okay. He won't hurt you again. I won't let him do that again." Reid pushed himself away.

"Please don't tell anyone else." Reid pleaded.

"I won't. I promise, everything's going to be alright." Reid put his head back on Hotch's shoulder and sobbed again. He soon fell asleep, but this time, into a deep one.

Once Reid woke, once again, it was time to go. They silently checked out of the hospital and drove away to their destination of Reid's apartment.

"So, genius, what's your next move?" Reid thought for a moment.

"I don't know. I'm afraid of what I might do... what I might do to myself." He didn't dare meet his superior's eyes. "I don't want to be weak either."

Hotch turned his head once they came to a red light, then grabbed Reid's chin forcing him to look him in the eye.

"Reid, listen to me. You're not weak. You'll never be weak for needing help. Do you understand?" Reid nodded.

"I understand, but I don't want to have to have a babysitter. It makes me feel like I'm helpless." Reid said. "I don't like feeling that way."

"Everybody needs help every now and then. You know that. It doesn't make anybody a better person for not needing help. It's not possible." Hotch reasoned. "I'll stay with you for a while, then we'll see if you can be by yourself. Deal?"

"Deal."

"One more thing..." Reid turned his head, once again. "You're going to be alright, I know it." Reid turned back and smiled. He, for once, felt happy.

They went to Reid's apartment and settled down. Hotch forced Reid to sit and wait in the kitchen for a few minutes.

"Just stay here for a few minutes." Hotch said.

"Why?" Reid asked.

"Doesn't matter. Just stay." Reid sighed and sat down. Hotch walked to Reid's room. He grabbed the sheets off the bed and walked to the bathroom and filled the tub with bleach. He quickly set the sheets in and closed the door. He also grabbed the razor and threw it away and hurried back to Spencer. As he rounded the corner to the hall, he bumped into Reid. He had tears on his face. Hotch knelt down and hugged him again.

"Hotch... did I really do that. Did I actually do that to myself?"

"Yeah, but that was before. It's alright now. I won't let you do that again."

"Why didn't you stop me? You knew what I was doing to myself." Reid sobbed.

"I tried. I was too late, but I got to you in time, barely, but just in time."

"Thank you."

"No problem."

A/N: Wow, major writers block. Bad, no worst, disease a writer could get. Along with whumpage. Oh well, I guess I have a lot of illnesses. Someone guessed one of the two. Congrats to: ulubelu ! Although, he doesn't like to play with dolls. Maybe u should write a fic about that, I'd surely read it. You get a cookie: (: :) (#) 


	5. Chapter 5: Never Forget

A/N: Okay, here we go. Sorry it took me long to update, I've been studying for exams and working on my 9 missings (computer at school didn't save them) so I have to make them up although it wasn't my fault, so yeah. I do have on F in science, the rest Bs, so I won't get the internet taken away again! yay!  
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Reid finally caught his breath and could once again think. Never could he ever feel the same about himself again, about what he did to himself. He wished he'd listened to Hotch and stayed in the kitchen, but it was fate. It was a good thing though. It showed him what he did to himself, and now, Spencer regrets ever taking that path.

"Hotch?" He asked as they sat on the couch.

"Yeah?" Hotch replied.

"I didn't think... I didn't listen." He said. Hotch was confused.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

Flashback:

"It may help you forget, but it won't make it go away." Ethan said plainly.

"What do you mean?" Reid asked without making eye contact.

"You feel pain." Ethan motioned to Reid's arms. To that gesture, Reid pulled his sleeves down. "But it makes you numb. Just because you have suicidal thoughts doesn't mean you are. Feelings are different than actions. In order to feel pain, you have to be alive, so if you kill yourself, you won't feel the relief it gives you, does that make sense?" Ethan asked.

"In a way, I guess." Reid commented. "But then I'll be completely numb if I'm dead."

"Being numb is a feeling, you have to be alive to feel." Reid nodded.

"I know, but..."

Ethan raised his voice. "No buts! It's simple, you die, you don't feel anything. Nothing is different than being numb! Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I do, I really do. I'm confused, I'm being stupid, I just want it to go away!" Reid yelled. Ethan smiled.

"It won't go away, it'll always be there, it just depends on how you handle it. Take it this way. you have a stick, right." They continued walking down the path in the woods. He picked a stick up from the ground. "The right side is all the bad things, right?" Reid nodded reluctantly. "The left is the good. Now, break the left off." Reid did as told. "Now, what are you left with?"

"A left and right... good and bad." He looked up. He realized what Ethan was saying now.

"Right, so no matter what you do, the bad things are always going to be there, just in a different way."

"But that doesn't help me." Reid looked up.

"It will. You just have to think about it more. Remember that." Ethan walked away, leaving Reid there to make a decision that would literally mean life or death.

End of flashback.

Reid was crying after he told Hotch about the talk he had with Ethan.

"Reid, you didn't understand. You do now, so it doesn't matter... it was fate. There's a reason that happened." Reid nodded.

"I have to go somewhere..."

"We made a deal. I'll go with you." Reid shook his head.

"I have to go alone." As he stood, Hotch gripped his shoulder firmly. "Please Hotch, just an hour..."

"Ok, just tell me where."

"I'll only tell you it's somewhere I haven't been since my dad left." He turned around.

"An hour." Reid nodded.

Reid walked for ten minutes until he reached his destination. He silently walked in the doors and sat in one of the pews. He bowed his head and prayed for everyone, everything, and himself.

"I know the wrong I've done, and I shouldn't have a say in anything anymore, for trying to waste the life you gave me, but I ask for forgiveness, I pray and hope for everyone, and I pray I'll someday be able to make ammends to my family and to my Mother. In Jesus name I hope and pray, Amen." He sat there for an hour, loosing track of time. Suddenly, a door finally opened. He was surprised to see Hotch there.

"I figured you'd be here." He said quietly.

"It's obvious. I just... I needed one place to go where it's impossible to be judged, and hope isn't limited to only one person, where it doesn't matter who you are or what you've done. Somewhere neutral." Reid said looking straight ahead.

"Somewhere spiritual." Hotch concluded. Reid nodded.

"I used to come every Sunday when my Mom wasn't..." Reid paused. "And my Dad still took care of our family. He used to play baseball with me, and he didn't care that I couldn't hit the ball to save my ass, he just cared that I was somewhere I wasn't alienated. But, that all stopped and he..." Reid started to sob when Hotch nodded. "That all started after my Mom got sick." Hotch patted Reid on the back.

"It's alright. You don't have to worry about that anymore. You have a family now... A whole family, one that won't ever let you down."

"But what if I become my Mother. Then what will happen. I know you guys wouldn't be the same without me, heck, we weren't the same after Elle left... what'll happen if I have to leave too, I don't know if you guys will be able to deal with two family members leaving."

"Spencer... she left on her own free will. If you have to leave, we'll still see you. We'll take care of you like you should've been when you were little. We are never going to alienate you, that will never happen again." Silence filled the room, and after another ten minutes, the two left feeling much better.

A/N: Aww, that turned out better than I thought it would, at least I think. Hope you review. They encourage me to write. 


	6. Chapter 6: Given Up

A/N: Okay, sorry, it's been almost a whole month since I updated all my stories. But as ive said before, my trailer gets really hot, and I can't even think straight, along with doing my piano homework, ugh, the bass clef is the devil for treble cleffer. haha. here we go!  
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After a few minutes, they both sighed in synch with each other, their voices echoing through the large church. Hotch decided they should go, since it was already getting dark.

"We should get going." Hotch said after a moment. Reid only replied with a nod and stood with Hotch to leave. Reid got into the passenger seat of the car, and left with Hotch driving. Not long after they left the parking lot in front of the church, the two were being smothered by the silence that usually made both uncomfortable and shifty.

"So, Hotch... what... what do you think?" Reid asked. The question bothered him to an extent of making him cry.

"Hm? What do you mean?" Hotch asked as if he was spacing out.

"About my attempt at suicide. What do you think about it?"

"Well, I'm not sure what to feel, or think in that matter, but I do know you'll be on leave for a while for it. Maybe two three months, at the least."

"W-what? Why that long?"

"You attempted SUICIDE!" Hotch looked at Reid, who's eyes were looking away. Hotch couldn't tell if it was annoyance, anger, frustration, sadness, or all of it mixed together. "Look, it's better this way. If you come straight back, the... things we see might trigger you..."

"Trigger me? You're acting like I'm a self harm addict who can't control himself. You're thinking I'm addicted to self harm don't you?"

"It's possible... and you know that. You know that when you persperate or bleed, endorphins leave your body, and it gives you the same release as Heroin. So you know it's possible you could be."

"Fine, but. Please, no longer than just a couple months." Reid begged.

"We'll see." Hotch mumbled to himself.

The rest of the short ride was silent. Once they made it back to Reid's apartment, they walked in, but didn't say a word to eachother. Reid walked to his room, closed the door, and fell onto his bed. Once his head hit the pillow, he was asleep. During his nap, his eyes stayed closed, but nightmares still came. Not of his father, but of him in a large body of water. He was close to shore, but for some reason, he was drowning. The whole team was there offering their hands for help. The silent tears drowning him even more, drop after drop, second after second, he was dying. He knew what was drowning him. Himself, him letting his past pull him down lower than he could ever imagine was possible. He whimpered in his sleep. Soon, he couldn't take it any longer. His subconscious mind woke him. Once he was awake, he was sweating in an already wet bed. Sweat was everywhere on his bed, along with his clothes. Once he looked down at his hands, he noticed something familiar, his hands were shaking in a withdrawal tremor-type way. But it wasn't possible. He couldn't be addicted to SI, no.

Reid got up and grabbed some dry clothes from his dresser and walked to the bathroom. He half expected to see the bloody sheets in the tub, but they weren't. He shrugged and turned toward the shower to turn it on really hot. He felt cold overtaking his body, making the tremors worse. It was confusing him. He thought you couldn't be addicted to self harm, but apparently you could. He sighed and slowly got into the shower. The beads of hot water cascading over his shaken body. His thoughts seemed to have washed away. It was hard to completely enjoy it though, because he had to make sure his wrists didn't get too wet, although it wouldn't hurt them too much, but he didn't want to take any chances.

He started to feel sadness creep through his body. He started sobbing, so he sat himself down inside the shower, resting his hands on his knees, and his head on his arms, careful not to touch his wrists. He didn't know how long he was in the shower, but long enough for the tremors to stop and the water to get cold. He didn't care though. He seemed to have been paralyzed, but again, he didn't care. after another twenty minutes, Reid heard a knock at the door. Ignoring it, he sat his head back down.

Hotch, on the other side of the door, started to get worried. Of finding Reid cutting himself, or attempting, or have already committed, suicide. After two knocks and no answer, he opened the door quickly and rushed in. Relieved to see Reid in the shower, but confused as to why he was just sitting there.

"Reid. What are you doing?" Reid just lifted his head and shrugged. Hotch was weirded out from the behavior. He opened the shower door and felt the water. Hotch looked right at Reid and turned the water off. "Are you trying to kill yourself from hypothermia?" Reid just shrugged again and stood up. "Then what were you doing? How long were you in there?"

"I-I don't know. Long enough for the water to get cold plus another twenty, so about forty minutes, give or take." Reid said. Hotch just gave him a suspicious look. He wasn't even shivering. Hotch grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Reid's bony body.

"Let's get you dressed." Hotch grabbed the clothes off of the counter and escorted Reid to his room.

"I can get dressed by myself, Hotch." Reid offered a sincere smile. Hotch sighed. After a minute of thinking, Hotch reluctantly nodded.

"Tell me when you're done. We need to talk." He nodded. Hotch left the room to let Reid get dressed. In only a couple minutes, Reid was done. He left the room and met Hotch in the kitchen. He looked at the clock. It was only ten at night. Reid sat at the table and laid his head down and yawned.

"I'm tired, can I please go to sleep? Can't we just talk tomorrow?" Hotch smiled lightly.

"No. We need to talk now. Come on. The quicker we get this done, the quicker you can go to sleep." Reid reluctantly looked up, but didn't look Hotch in the eyes. "Okay, first of all, why were you in the shower that long?" Reid shrugged and looked down. "Were you trying to hurt yourself?" Reid looked Hotch in the eyes, his eyes showing that he was hurt.

"No. I-I don't know. The cold water... it just..." Reid looked back down. When he looked up, Hotch's expression was clearly demanding an answer. Reid swallowed. "It stopped me from shaking."

"Do you believe me now that you can get addicted to it. To self injury." Reid started crying.  
"Yes. I know."

"Okay. We can talk about something different." Hotch said.

"I'm really confused." Hotch's expression didn't change.

"Well, when I have to go back to work in three weeks, you'll... I don't know. But I do know you're going to be seeing a therapist frequently. And you're not going to argue with me on this." Reid just nodded.

"What about the rest of the team. How are they?" Hotch sighed.

"Well, Morgan's blaming himself, Garcia's hiding herself in cyberspace, JJ's doing the same, except staying in her office, Emily's compartmentalizing, well, trying. She's still sad, and Rossi's been praying and hoping you'll get better." Hotch summarized.

"What about you?" Reid asked.

"Me? I'm forgetting about my own emotions to help you. You're more important right now." Reid smiled slightly, but replaced it with a yawn.

"I-I think I'm going to go to bed."

"One more thing..." Reid turned around. "You need to take your antibiotic." Reid nodded. Hotch handed him the pill, and Reid took it without hesitation. He just wanted to go to bed. Without saying anything else, he walked right toward his room. It was almost like Reid fell asleep before he even hit the bed. He was so exhausted that he didn't have any nightmares, except he didn't have a good night of rest. He tossed and turned and sweat more, and shaked more. He wanted to cut so badly, but knew that'd be wrong and lead him down the wrong path, so he just laid there. He knew he wasn't going to be able to do it. Soon, the need to cut got so bad Reid gave into the soft voice talking to him. He got up and went to his dresser. He always kept a couple of razors in there. He took one out and cut his forearm, careful not to cut too close to his wrists. Once clarity overtook him, he threw it down on the floor and silently cursed him for what he was doing. He broke down crying and fell asleep on the floor. He cut barely enough to bleed, so his arms wasn't covered in blood, but still noticable that it did bleed.

When he woke up, he was in his bed. He looked around his room confused, his eyes landing on Hotch, who was sitting on the edge of his bed. The disappointment was clear on his face. Reid turned his head away, disgusted in himself.

"Reid. You need to look at me." The sadness was clear in his voice, but he soon covered it by a look of confusion and anger on his face. Reid forced himself to look Hotch in the eye. "I don't know why you did it, but I know what your excuse is going to be. If you insist on ruining your life like this, and you don't care if you want to get better or not, then I can leave and get to work. Is that what you want?" His voice was harsh, making Reid tear up. "I don't know how I'm going to help you if you don't want to be helped. Do you want help?" Reid nodded. "Then act like it." Hotch stood and left Reid's room, closing the door behind him. Reid stood and looked around his room for his razors, but they were all gone, he went into his bathroom and looked for his razor, but it was gone, anything sharp was gone. He fell to his knees and looked at his arm. Hotch had bandaged it.

For how long he laid on the ground and cried, he didn't know, and frankly, he didn't care. He didn't care about anything or anybody. He didn't care if what he had to help himself was a bottle of Whiskey, but he just wanted something to distract himsefl from his emotions, to make him feel good. Why didn't they understand that he was in pain? Why couldn't they just for once, try to understand it wasn't about feeling the pain, but making the emotional pain that you couldn't see, something you could, something that was more understandable? Why couldn't he just stop everything? Why couldn't the time resume ticking and let him get over it? It was like a clock stuck in one time, like a game being paused, stuck in one emotion. They didn't understand it, they studied it. 'Yeah, well they can study this', Reid thought and smiled. He ripped the bandages off and scratched at the wounds, making them bleed. He digged his long fingernails deeper into the wound until they were bleeding even more. He wiped the blood on his clothes and continued to let it drip on the tiled floor. He fell onto his stomach and laid in the small puddle of blood.

A/N: Okay, this was short, but at least I got something. I wrote this because of how I feel, and yes, you do go through withdrawal from cutting yourself. It is an addiction, that's how I know how it feels, because I've been struggling with my cutting addiction, but yeah, I will soon get back to updating everyday because we're in for a bunch of thunderstorms. Yay! That means longer chappies. Thanks for all the reviews, oh and Reid didn't pick his wounds with the stitches. That would most likely be like another suicide attempt, but everything I used in this has happened to me and I just HAD to get it out of my system. lolz, well take care my lovely readers! 


	7. Chapter 7: Family Reunion suckishtitle

A/N: Thanks for the wonderful reviews, and I'm sorry for not updating... not to worry you, but I've been considering suicide lately, but no worries, you guys are too important to me. =) oh, and everything at first until the first break was from the first version of chapter seven that I forgot I even wrote. I just feel it would be good to add it, even though it's major OOC and bull crap.  
-

Hotch didn't know what to do. He couldn't trust Reid anymore being alone, but what was he supposed to do? Breath down his neck and nag him for every move he makes? Most certainly not. He was an adult, and he couldn't force Reid to do anything, so, he concluded, if he doesn't want help, then how is he supposed to help him? He planned to show Reid what it does to others if he hurts himself like he's been doing. The only way to do that is for him to do the same exact thing that Reid's been doing. Hotch sighed, knowing it wasn't good, but it was a good idea. So he took a knife and cut the top of his arm away from his veins, only enough to shed some blood and went back to Reid's room. He wasn't there, so he went by the bathroom and noticed the lights on. He knocked but didn't hear anything, so he went inside and picked Reid up off the floor, noticing the blood on his arm. He quickly wrapped his arms in a towel and sat him on the bed while shaking him awake. Soon, he was awake.

"What? I was sleeping." Reid noticed the towel wrapped around his bloody arm and looked at Hotch without emotion.

"If you keep hurting yourself, then I have no choice but to show you how much it hurts others." Reid looked confusedly at Hotch. Hotch pulled the bandages off his arm, revealing shallow cut on his arm. Reid looked away. "Everytime you hurt yourself, I'll hurt myself the same way."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I'm trying to teach you something. You need to learn that doing this..." Hotch grabbed Reid's arms tightly. "...hurts and effects everyone around you. You know you're not alone..." Reid pulled his arms away violently while standing up.

"Maybe I WANT to be alone! Maybe I don't like being around other people or not having my own secrets. Maybe I want all of you to get the hell out of my life!" Hotch stood too.

"Maybe you're very upset and don't mean that." Hotch grabbed Reid's shoulders and sat him down gently. Tears started to cascade over his face silently.

"Maybe I do just want to die." Hotch looked at him with the sadness clear on his face.

"And with saying that, I know I'll have to keep an extra eye on you. You don't know what you'd be leaving, you don't know what'd you do to the rest of us if that happened. If you did that, we'd all fall apart, so if you're going down, we're going down with you. Maybe you should think about that everytime you think about suicide." Hotch stood and left. Reid rolled over in his bed and closed his eyes tightly.

When he woke up from a restless sleep, he went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. It was still early, but he needed something to do to distract him from what he might do to himself. He set the coffee pot and turned it on, then turned his attention to what he should make. His stomach was only set on coffee, but he knew he had to eat something, so he got out the pancake mix and eggs. When he just started to make them, a groggy Hotch stepped into the kitchen. Reid didn't acknowledge that he was there, because he was still a little angry about Hotch being so cruel to him.

"Reid... are you alright?" Reid didn't move. Nor did he even notice Hotch talking to him, he was deep into thought. "Reid..."

"What?" Reid said in an annoyed type of tone.

"Are you alright?"

"Never better." Reid said sarcastically. Hotch just sighed and put a hand on his shoulder, to which Reid shrugged off. "Besides the fact you've been a complete asshole to me."

"I did what I had to do. I'm not going to give up on you, you know that right?" Reid quickly turned around.

"Maybe I WANT you to give up on me. I've given up already. I'm just sick of feeling."

"You need help..." Hotch added.

"Well thank you captain obvious. Why don't you just tell me what the fuck is wrong with me and I'll fix it with my pixie dust, would that make you happy?" Reid asked.

"It's not that simple."

"You don't think that I know that. I already told you that I've given up, so quit trying to change who I AM!"

"It's not who you are, it's your mistake." Hotch said calmly. Reid didn't have anymore energy to argue, so he just grabbed two cups and poured coffee in each, making his own with extra sugar. He handed Hotch his cup.

"I'm tired of trying, so I guess I'm not working at the BAU anymore. I'm not going to stop cutting." Reid said bluntly. "No matter how hard you try, I'm not going to quit." Reid walked to the living room after setting the food on the table. Hotch sighed and followed him. "I'm not going to talk about this anymore." Reid stated.

"Then don't, but you're going to listen." Reid glared at him. "All of us are worried about you and don't want to..." Reid turned his ipod on and the volume was so high that Hotch could tell he was listening to Slipknot. He never imagined the young genius to be a metal fan. "Reid..." Reid just turned the volume up louder. Hotch had enough. He pulled the ear buds out of his ears and looked at him with unblinking eyes. Reid glared, not blinking, either. "Please quit ignoring." Reid crossed his arms and pouted. "I need you to listen." Hotch grabbed his arms tightly and Reid tried to pull away to no avail.

"Let go of me!" Reid demanded.

"You need to stop doing this. If I have to set up an entire intervention, I will. If I have to threaten to send you to rehab, I will. The whole team, your family, is worried about you. For God's sake, I'm worried about you. I don't know what's made you like this, but all I care about right now is you and your health. Physically or emotionally." Reid closed his eyes tightly trying to hold the tears in that started to shed from his eyes. "What do you have to say?"

"Leave me alone. And don't be surprised to find me dead in my room!'' Reid pulled his arms away and ran to his room. Hotch followed. "Get out of my room!" Hotch walked to him and grabbed his shoulders tightly, but Reid looked away.

"Look at me!" Hotch said in a harsh tone. "You need to see what I'm going through, what the whole team is going through, to make sure you're alright. You need to stop now, and know that we're all going to be here for you, no matter what."

"I don't want anybody to 'help' me. I don't want anybody to stop me. I just want to be alone forever. I like being alone. And you're lucky I'm not doing drugs, cause the way I feel now, I don't care if I kill myself overdosing. In fact, I want drugs right now! I want a sharp razor right now, and I want to be ALONE right now! So please leave, or I'll call the police to..."

"I'm an FBI agent, on top of it, I'm sure they'd like to be the ones to escort you to a mental institution for an evaluation." Reid glared at him.

"Get out. NOW! Maybe if you leave me alone, I won't want to kill myself in ten minutes, but I just need to be alone right now." Reid said angrily.

"I can't do that. You just threatened to kill yourself, and I'm not going to take that chance. So you can just calm down, we'll be alright again..."

"NO! Nothing will ever be alright again, I'll never be alright again, and frankly, I don't want to. I like myself just the way I am, and I never want to change. The old 'me' was nothing compared to me now. And I want to keep it like this. Quit trying to make me what you want me to be. You're smothering me in my own home, God dammit!"

"I'm afraid I might lose you." Hotch said quiet and sadly.

"Don't be, cause you already have. I have." Reid said quietly, almost a whisper.

"No you haven't. You, you just need some help to get back on track." Hotch said.

"I will never be alright.''

"You need to be more optimistic."

"And you need to smile more." Hotch smiled sadly.

"I only smile when the time is right." Hotch stated.

"I'm going to sleep...''

"I'm not leaving." Hotch said.

"Figured you might say that."

Reid rolled over on his bed and went to sleep.

* * *

When Reid awoke, he was yet again laid on his bed, but Hotch wasn't there this time to talk to him. He figured he'd be in the other room, or asleep at that, so he sat up. There was a note by his bed. He picked it up and read. The words were saddening, and he didn't know what to make of it.

I'm sorry if I can't protect you from yourself... I try my best, but it's like I'm talking to a brick wall. I don't know what to do. I'm close to trying to get you into observation because I am very worried about you. I'm sorry if it comes down to that, but I have to do what I have to in order to keep my family safe. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon. Have a few things to do. -Hotch

Reid didn't know what to make of it. Hotch was leaving me here alone, he thought, has he really come close to giving up on me? He thought and thought harder... he didn't know what to do. He couldn't stop self harming... no way he'd do that... but if he kept doing it, Hotch would send him off to observation, then he'd be sure to be committed to a mental institution. He didn't know what to do. After long thinking of the pros and cons of the possible scenarios, he decided on one solution.

* * *

When Hotch got home, he'd expected to see Reid in the living room, or even asleep... or anything. He shrugged. He thought he was maybe sleeping or in the bathroom. Then it hit him... he actually left him alone. The severity of leaving him alone hit him like a gust of wind from a tornado. He ran and checked every room, checking Reid's room last. Once he noticed Reid was gone, he stood shocked at what he saw. His closet was half empty, and things were thrown around, and the only thing in the room that wasn't mutilated was a piece of paper sitting neatly on the bed that had been bared. After noticing it there, Hotch swiftly picked it up and read it. He pulled out his phone quickly and called Morgan, not wanting to stir the team up too much, only Morgan. He didn't give any details, just told him the vague summary of what happened. Before Hotch had ordered Morgan to meet him outside the apartments, Morgan was already on his way there.

* * *

Reid drove for an hour. He didn't even realize his subconscious was actually driving him. The music was playing, and it made tears in his eyes as a storm rolled in and left droplettes of water on his windshield making the mood depressing. Songs played over and over... Broken, by Lifehouse... then My Immortal, by Evanesscence. Then it was Bleed It Out by Linkin Park. finally the song that made him whole heartedly made him cry: In Pieces by Linkin Park. After his knuckles became white from gripping too tightly, and his whole body shaking, the radio was turned off, and left Reid to his tears. He wiped at them angrily. Everybody always left him, now it was time to turn the tables and show them how it felt to worry about somebody leaving without notice. (sorry, from here I'll be using Notepad because open office wouldn't stop doing the breaks).

After a few minutes left of driving, he didn't notice that he reached a small cabin at the end of the trail. Once his mind was back to reality, he noticed it was Gideon's cabin that he was at. The last time he was there was when Gideon wasn't showing up for work. He noticed the tears forming in his eyes again. He needed Gideon, but he'd never see him again. He just wished that there was a way to talk to him, just once. Why did everything that went wrong happen to him? WHY HIM? After tense minutes of silence, he finally got out of his car and walked slowly to the cabin and waiting another minute before the front door. Reid stepped inside and noticed everything was the same as last time. It was fairly cold from the heat being turned off, and it didn't help that it was late Fall either. As if he'd never been there before, he inspected every inch of the cabin. When he finally reached the dining table where he found the letter on... 'that day', he noticed another note was placed where the other one was. He remembered when he left a letter for Gideon, hoping he'd come back, for some reason, and read the letter. He got lucky. He read. The cell phone number was left. Reid's heart raced. He didn't know if he should call gideon or forget it and go about his own life. Gideon would probably just leave him again, he thought. But another side of his heart told him too, before his life got so depressing and he ended up being found as a frozen corpse, if he'd ever be found. It was about twenty minutes later that he decided to call. He picked up the phone and dialled the number. After several rings, there was a shocked voice on the other end of the line.

"Spencer?"

* * *

When Morgan got there, he demanded an explanation. Hotch explained everything, and Morgan thought of something.

"Did he take his cell phone?" Morgan asked. Hotch's eyes widened before going inside and checking everywhere, going back to the door to Morgan. He shook his head. Morgan took his cell phone out and called Garcia.

"What? Why would I have to track Reid's cell phone? What happened?" She asked worriedly.

"Garcia! I'll tell you in a while, just track it... listen... you know I'm sorry babygirl. Don't worry for now, we'll tell you later."

"But..."

"Garcia, put on your happy face. Don't tell anybody, we don't want to stir up the team." Morgan said sweetly.

"Okay, my chocolate thunder... I'll try." They waited a few seconds. "Guys... he's at Gideon's cabin." The two looked at each other.

* * *

"Gideon... I-." Reid stuttered. He was crying now, yet again. Gideon noticed it, and became worried.

"Spencer, what happened... what's going on?"

"Please... I need to talk to you... not over the phone... please... help me..." Reid barely managed that out. He could hear Gideon moving around.

"Where are you? Are you alright?" Gideon asked. He was getting really worried. He wasn't exactly expecting a call from him a year after he left, but then again, he just left the note and number there a week ago. And although it was only a week ago that he left the cabin yet again, he was only two hours from it.

"I-I'm at your cabin... I'll be fine for now, but... I don't know how much longer... please... where are you?" Reid managed a full sentence.

"I'm only a couple hours away. I'm coming Spencer, don't worry." Gideon hung up.

* * *

Morgan and Hotch hurried to the SUV and pressed the speed limit as far as they could. They hoped they wouldn't be too late if Reid tried anything. The ride was tense for a minute, until somebody finally spoke, filling the quiet air around them with sound.

"Do you think he's alright?" Morgan asked.

"He's self harming, considering suicide, and at Gideon's cabin... I don't think he's alright." Hotch's words weren't exactly comforting, but it was better than the silence. It almost seemed like a nightmare... everybody dancing with their demons, except they weren't able to wake up in sweat because it wasn't over yet. Not another word was said as they headed toward their destination.

* * *

Gideon couldn't stand wondering if Spencer was alright each second he stared at the road. He finally picked his phone up and pushed recall. Spencer immediately picked up.

"Spencer... please just tell me what's wrong right now... please. It's scaring me." Gideon pleaded.

"I-I can't tell you right now. Please, don't make me tell you over the phone." Reid sobbed out.

"Spencer, it would help me a lot right now if you just told me." Gideon waited, but Reid said nothing. "Okay... just... be careful. Are you staying warm."

"Yes... it's not that cold." Reid managed sadly.

"Okay..." Gideon said with reluctance. "You make sure you stay safe, I'll be there in about an hour." Gideon hung up. He sighed... he hoped Reid would tell him what's wrong.

After trying to call Reid yet again, Morgan gave up... it seemed their boy genius was ignoring them. They just hoped it was him ignoring him, and not because he'd done something stupid. They weren't sure what to do when they got there, but they knew they just had to make sure he was alright. They wouldn't be able to be the same if Reid ended up committing suicide. Hotch felt guilty for leaving him home alone, and Morgan must've been reading his mind, because that's when he spoke up.

"Hotch, it's not your fault, he could've left at pretty much any time. Just think about it, it is not your fault." Morgan said, but it had no effect. Hotch tighted his grip on the steering wheel, and his body tensed much more than what was thought to be possible. Morgan just sighed and sat back.

* * *

At the cabin, Reid sat at the table and buried his head in his arms. Soon he was asleep. -  
Half an hour later, Hotch and Morgan finally made it to the end of the long trail to the cabin. They both jumped out and hurried inside and found Reid asleep at the table. They both sighed relief, but knew it was still going to be tough to talk to him. Hotch knelt down beside him and lightly shook him awake. When he opened his eyes, he glared.

"Go away." Reid said before shutting his eyes. Hotch looked at Morgan who stepped closer. Morgan took Reid by the arms and pulled him to his feet. "Let go! Just go away!" Reid didn't struggle. His voice was weak too. But that all stopped when Hotch reached for his arms. "Let me GO!" Reid got out of Morgan's grip, but not Hotch's. Morgan grabbed Reid again and held him on the floor tightly while Hotch unbuttoned Reid's sleeve cuffs. When Hotch rolled up the sleeves, Morgan closed his eyes. He couldn't take it... seeing his brother in pain. Reid had two new cuts that had already stopped bleeding, but that's not what Hotch was worried about. The cabin was cold... way too cold. Morgan noticed it too.

"Hotch... it's way too cold here... let's get him to the SUV..."

"NO! I'm not leaving." Reid sobbed as Hotch let him sit up. "Please... just go."

"We aren't going to let you stay here and freeze to death or kill yourself, Reid. You must be off your rocker if you think we're letting you do that." Morgan said angrily.

"I won't kill myself... and I won't freeze to death. And I'm not going to be alone." They both looked at each other. "Gideon left me his phone number... he should be here in half an hour... now please just go!" Reid begged.

"No... what makes you think I believe you? What makes you think I trust Gideon to take better care of you?"

"Yeah, because you're doing a great ass job of it!" Reid shouted. "... You left me alone! All it made me felt was abandoned. I was worried. I thought you gave up on me. I was so worried. You know that's how I felt when you thought I was dead when I left. You know how that feels? GO! Leave me ALONE!"

"No... not until we talk to Gideon." Hotch said after a few seconds. "Now, we can either wait and freeze in here, or we can go to the SUV and wait."

"I can wait here." Reid said.

"I wasn't asking." Hotch said. Reid stood up and glared at Hotch.

The whole twenty minutes they were in the SUV was completely silent. Gideon finally arrived, and Reid's heart started racing again. He didn't know what was going to happen... he was just happy he'd be able to see him again. They all got out once Gideon did. Gideon raced up to Reid and hugged him firmly. Reid had tears in his eyes. After a minute of hugging and tears, Gideon finally asked the question that was on his mind.

"What's going on?"

* * *

A/N: Okay, how cheesy can it get? Okay... blah blah blah time is over... to business time... err... review?


	8. Chapter 8: The Butterfly Project

**A/N: Another chapter. Also, note that I don't know how much longer this will be. PLEASE, IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS, REVIEW OR PM ME!**

**Disclaimer: I don't usually do these, but... I don't own Criminal Minds, CBS, or the characters. Nina Tassler does. Kill her for getting rid of AJ and reducing Paget!  


* * *

**Reid looked up from Gideon and back to Hotch and Morgan. He didn't really want to explain, but his pleading eyes for the other two to explain didn't help. They looked from sympathetic, and soft eyes, to firm and demanding eyes. He looked back at Gideon. His eyes were kind, but at the same time, they were also demanding. Reid started to shiver, and Hotch and Morgan went back to their SUV.

"We'll be over here. You two can get in Reid's car." Reid sighed. Looks like he was going to be doing all the talking. He still didn't know how he was going to explain. Reid moved slowly, and even when he got in his car, he slowly turned the key and, and finally the heat. He didn't say anything as he twisted his fingers with each other.

"Spencer... you have to tell me what's going on for me to understand. Why were you crying on the phone? We can start there." He put an encouraging hand on Reid's shoulder, and he looked up, the tears clearly staining his face. Gideon wiped at them and brushed his hair back. "Please, just tell me." Reid nodded.

"I... I was scared." Gideon's expression didn't change.

"Scared of what?" He pressed. Reid started crying again, and this time, Gideon grabbed him tightly and hugged him. But shortly after, he pulled Reid away and looked at him in a demand. "I need you to tell me, Spencer."

"Well, my mom has been having problems, and it's been making me real depressed..." Reid wouldn't look Gideon in the eyes after that. Gideon put an arm around him.

"What is it... just straight to the point... what happened?" Gideon pressed. He didn't want to push too hard, but he needed to know. If it was bad enough that Reid had to call him and cry and beg for him to be there for him, it was obviously really bad.

Reid shook his head and the tears fell silently off his face. Gideon had never seen Reid cry this much before... not even when Tobias killed those people and made him watch. "N-Nevermind..." He said quietly.

"Spencer... look at me..." Reid kept his eyes fixed on his hands. "Look at me." Gideon said firmer. Reid did. "You were crying for me to come, I was worried, and now I'm here, so tell me, or I'll ask Hotch and Morgan." Reid rested his head in his hands. Gideon shaked him lightly. "Just tell me... what happened?"

"Well... I-I... I've been..." Reid fell into his thoughts and messed with his arms, Gideon noticed. In his years of profiling, he knew the signs. Depression, mood swings... on top of that, when the subconscious mind falls into slumber for thoughts, the brain would urge the person to fiddle with the physical part that was bothering him/her. Gideon grabbed his arms lightly, waking Reid from his thoughts. He tried to pull his arms back, but like all of his other attempts, it didn't help, because Gideon must've known he'd try. Reid looked away while Gideon rolled his sleeves up.

"Spencer... is this what you were trying to tell me?" Reid nodded, all the while not looking at his former colleague. "Look at me..." Reid did so but with reluctance. "This is not alright. You know that right?" Reid nodded and looked back down.

"Hotch was trying... he was trying so hard, but I couldn't... I wouldn't..." Reid corrected himself. "I wouldn't stop. I feel so guilty... he made sure I still had my job, he made sure I was alright... he even saved my life... and-and I let him down. I don't deserve for anybody to help me."

"Spencer!" Gideon said loudly, making Reid jump. "Everybody deserves help, no matter what. Nobody deserves to feel abandoned... I'm sorry that I did that to you... I will never do that again... I promise." Reid smiled slightly. Gideon looked back at Reid's arms and noticed the stitches. "What happened there?" Gideon asked. Reid looked away yet again.

"Hotch saved my life." Was his reply, and Gideon understood.

"Any plans from here?" Reid shook his head.

"I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Why don't I give you a first step." Reid looked back up. "You're going to stop doing this and look at the good things. Right now. What are some good things about your life?" Reid shrugged.

"I don't know..." Gideon slapped his thigh lightly.

"You do know." Reid nodded.

"I have a family that cares about me." Gideon nodded, encouraging him to go on. "That's all I have though... I don't really know." Gideon slapped Reid's thigh again, except this time it was harder. Reid got the message. "Oh, come on Gideon... really, right now? I can't think of anything." Gideon furrowed his brows and raised his hand. "Okay... well... I have a good job... can we just stop for now?"

"Okay, I guess that's enough for now." Gideon leaned over and hugged Reid tightly, to which Reid returned the hug. Reid was grateful for physical contact. Gideon always knew what to do, even if it was a little different. "Okay, let's get out of here. We should probably get you something to eat, then we'll head back to your apartment." Gideon said while getting out and walking toward the other vehicle and talking to the other men. Reid just sat their and sighed. He was glad that Gideon finally knew, and he'd be there for him, but he wasn't sure about recovering. When Gideon got in, he asked, "what do you want to eat?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Hotch said you haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon. You need to eat."

"I'm not hungry, Gideon... really." Gideon smacked him again harder. Reid sat back and closed his eyes.

"I don't really care."

"Look at me." Reid did so. "Anything I do to you is because I care about you... you know that?" Reid nodded. "You know that I'll always love you like a son?" Reid blushed but nodded. Nobody ever said that since his dad was still around and his parents weren't fighting. He missed those days.

* * *

On their way back to Reid's apartment, Gideon stopped to get fast food. And before they got back on the road, Gideon made Reid eat every bite. Reid fought with him on it too, earning many more smacks, but finally ate every bit of it. After that, Reid wouldn't look at Gideon and just glared out the window.

"You know being in a mood like that isn't really pleasant. It must feel bad to force yourself to act like that. Come on Spencer... smile." Gideon lightly elbowed Reid.

"Stop." Reid said not too nicely.

"Why are you so angry at me?"

"You forced me to eat. I wasn't hungry." Reid said angrily.

"Is that why you're being so moody? If I have to, I'll force feed you and maybe even call you Spencer Jr. If you keep acting like a child." Reid rolled his eyes and smirked.

"Sure."

"What, you don't believe I'll treat you like a child. Just note that I will if I have to."

"Okay... fine. But you won't have to." Reid said.

"Let's hope not." Gideon muttered under his breath. He doubted that would be the case, but he could only hope.

* * *

By the time they go back to Reid's apartment, he was asleep. Gideon didn't want to wake him up, because he could tell Reid would need a lot of sleep, but he knew he'd have to wake up to talk to him some more. He woke Reid up and told him to go inside while he talked to Hotch.

"He told me vague details, but I want him to tell me. I know he will in time. Can you go get something for me from the store?" Hotch nodded. "I need some temporary tattoos. Get some big ones... I'll tell you later." Hotch nodded and eyed Gideon suspiciously.

When Hotch left, Gideon went up to Reid's apartment and sat down quietly next to him. "We're not done talking. You haven't told me specifics. Reid rubbed his eyes.

"Well, my mom's been reacting badly to her new medications. It's the worse it's ever been. The doctors are worried she'll get so bad she'll never remember anybody... not even me, even when she is 'lucid'." Reid said quietly.

"What else?"

"The stress of the job. I don't know why, but I'm getting jumpy at everything, and I can't get the crime scenes out of my head all the time."

"And me leaving..." Gideon concluded. Reid shook his head.

"Don't blame yourself... it has nothing to do with you." Spencer said.

"Spencer..." Gideon said with a warning-like tone. "It was me too. I'm guilty for leaving you when you needed me most. It's my fault too."

"But..." Gideon gripped his shoulder tightly.

"No... it was me too. End of discussion on that topic." Reid nodded in defeat. "So how's the BAU holding up?"

"Same as always."

"You haven't gotten into any life threatening situations?" Gideon's tone was directed towards seriousness.

"No, not really." Gideon glanced at him sideways. "Well... um... there was a religion cult and Emily and I were sent undercover to check it out, and we both ended up nearly dead in an explosion. And then there was... um... oh nevermind."

"Spencer. I know that look. What did you do." Reid blushed.

"I got into a little trouble with Hotch. I blocked the teams fire so they wouldn't shoot a kid unsub..." Gideon looked at him to go on. "Well, I didn't really have a vest on... so I guess that's what set him off. And there was one time when Hotch and I interviewed the prisoner Chester..." Gideon nodded. He remembered Chester and working that case. "Well, we didn't have our guns, and we were locked in the room with him, and he didn't have any cuffs on... so he almost attacked us, but I was able to distract him until we were let out." Gideon laughed a little. Reid could distract anybody.

They continued to talk until Hotch walked in. "Now please explain why you had me get temporary tattoos." Gideon smiled.

Hotch sat down. "I've studied self-harm for a while. I came across a website called Recover Your Life, and one idea on how to stop is called The Butterfly Project. It's simple. You put the tattoos wherever you self harm. If you cut over the tattoo, then you'll have to wash it away. The thing is, you name the 'butterfly' or whatever it is somebody you care about and pray for to get better. Gideon looked straight at Reid. If you cut over it, it's like you're hurting that person. Now, once the tattoo washes away by itself, that means it's grown and 'flown' away. Then you repeat it. Hotch handed Reid the stack of large temporary tattoos. "I want you to tell me if you run out of those, okay." Reid nodded and looked down at them. There was a dragon, a robot type thing, one that said coca cola on it, and one that had a McDonald's sign on it. Reid smiled and laughed to himself.  


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**A/N: also, I don't own Recover your life, McDonald's, or The Butterfly Project. Yes it's a real website and a real idea on how to quit and I've used it for a while, though it hasn't worked VERY well for me, it's helped. Anyway, please review, and I'll update by days again, cause I'll be happy again! Sorry for the fluff at the end, but I just had to do it!**


	9. Chapter 9: Smothered

**A/N: Thank you to all the reviewers out there who've been dealing with my slow updates, and I assure you, I will be getting back on track. Mostly for this fic because after chapter seven, I've been itching with ideas to get it wrote. And thanks to: 1xadzy3dgftw1xLSNx3dg1xMGG (wow, I like the 'MGG' part. lol.) for giving some great ideas! cookie for you!**

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Disclaimer: Nina Tassler owns CBS and Criminal Minds... If I owned it, would we really be getting rid of AJ and reducing Paget?

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"Thanks, but I'm not going to be walking around with fake tattoos on my arms." Reid said in a defiant way. Gideon knew Reid was going to be like that.

"Spencer, just try it and see if it helps." Gideon suggested, yet it was a no choice situation. Reid sat back and crossed his arms. "Fine... if you don't want to take my help, then I don't have a reason to be here." Gideon said while he stood up.

"W-wait... you promised you'd never leave me again." Reid said sadly.

"Well, I'll still see you, I'll stick around here, but why should I help you if you refuse to be helped." Reid sighed. Hotch nodded at Gideon, but Reid didn't notice. Gideon was just about to open the door when Reid spoke.

"Gideon... wait... please stay." Gideon turned around and walked over to Reid.

"Spencer, you know I wouldn't ever leave. You do need to understand that if you want me to help you then you have to let me." Gideon said. "Do you understand?" Reid nodded.

* * *

Reid walked out of the bathroom with his arms crossed and an annoyed look on his face. Gideon looked at him and frowned.

"It's not that bad, Spencer."

"Yeah, it's not that bad." Reid replied sarcastically. "Where's Hotch?" Reid asked as he sat on the couch.

"Home, I told him I'd stay with you tonight." Reid nodded and looked at the clock. "When are you planning on going to bed? You've had a hard day, and it's already late." Gideon said after a moment.

"I"m not tired." Gideon looked at Reid for a minute.

"Then we can talk about something, I suppose. How about the good things about your life." Reid groaned. "It's not that bad."

"Oh really?" Reid asked. He didn't get an answer. "Okay... um... I have a good job?"

"Spencer, you already said that. I can already think of a lot of things for you." Gideon said while trying not to laugh.

"Tell me... please."

"Nope."

"Well then... I'm just not really up for this right now Gideon." Reid said.

"Sorry, we're going to do this every night." Gideon said.

Reid thought for a minute. "Gideon, I can't do this. I'm sorry, but there's way much more bad things in my life than there are good." Gideon slapped Reid's thigh again really hard. "Ow! Gideon... I'm just speaking the truth." Gideon raised his hand again. "Fine!" Gideon squeezed his shoulder encouragingly. He knew it was hard for Reid, but it was going to be hard in every which way to recovery there was.

"Uh, well... I'm open to a lot of opportunities... and... I'm smart." Reid said. "And... ergh, this is so annoying." Reid started to scratch at his scabs and the tattoos. Gideon smacked his hand. "Would you stop hitting me!"

"It only means that I care about you." Gideon looked at the clock. "You should go get ready for bed.

"I already told you I'm not tired." Gideon hugged him tightly.

"Goodnight Spencer..." Gideon stood up and pointed to Reid's room down the hallway. "Come on... don't fight me Spencer." Gideon begged while smiling at him. He figured that if he always smiled, then Reid wouldn't take disappointment so badly, and it seemed to be working. He now understood why Hotch seemed to have gotten nowhere. "Three... Two..." Gideon counted. Reid groaned and stood. Reid walked into his room, and Gideon followed him in.

"What?" Reid asked.

"I'm taking any sharp objects with me." Reid rolled his eyes.

"I won't do it Gideon... I promise." Reid sat on his bed and crossed his arms again. Gideon seemed to have ignored him, because he started going through drawers. "Seriously, Gideon."

"I'm serious too. I'm doing this every night whether you like it or not, you'll have to earn trust, and right now, I don't trust you." Reid pouted and glared as Gideon left the room with three razors. He rolled over in his bed and closed his eyes. Gideon came back in and sat on his bed. Though Reid pretended to be asleep, Gideon knew better. "Spencer, I know you're awake. Please sit up for a minute." Reid groaned, sat up, and glared at the older man. "You know I did what I had to do... I took them because I know as much as you that you want to stop, and it doesn't help with that if you can hurt yourself without even getting out of bed. Do you understand?"

"I do, but you said you don't trust me, how's that supposed to make me feel better. I'm not trusted, so I don't even have a purpose to be alive." Gideon quickly smacked him lightly.

"I know what you're doing. If you're going to be that way, I'll profile you. You're trying to make me regret my own words, which I don't, and give into your begging. That, Spencer Reid, is not going to happen. We're going to do this together the right way, and if that means I can't trust you, then so-be-it. Starting tomorrow, there won't be any locks on doors from the inside, and all knives and other sharp objects will be locked away. I'm sorry I have to do that to you, but I want you to know that I care about you."

"So that's how it's going to be. You're going to breathe down my neck for God knows how long, and I won't GET the chance to prove I can be trusted. I get your little game, and I'm not playing it." Reid said angrily.

"Think whatever you want of it, but I'm not changing my mind." Gideon hugged Reid goodnight and left the room.

* * *

The next morning, Gideon was waking Reid up early for breakfast, to which Reid argued about.

"I'm not hungry Gideon."

"That's too bad, because you're eating."

"NO I'm not."

"I'll force feed you if I have to."

"Yeah right."

"Do you really want to test me?" Gideon asked while a smile was placed on his face.

"I'm really not hungry." Gideon sighed. Any other time, he'd come to a comprimise with Reid, but that would give him the advantage, and he had to show him he wasn't ready to make any choices on his own.

"Tough luck..." Gideon said while he set a plate in front of Reid.

* * *

It took Reid about an hour, but he finally finished his food. When he was done, he notice all of the door knobs that had locks were gone, except for the front and back door, so it was reduced down to only his room and the guest room with door knobs left. Reid rolled his eyes. Gideon was getting a little extreme. When Gideon came from down the hall, Reid looked at him and shook his head.

"You're going a little too far Gideon."

"Why, because I don't want you ending up locking yourself in a room? I already told you I don't trust you yet. That kind of trust has to be earned over time." Reid sighed.

"I wanna go for a walk." Reid stood.

"You can't go alone." Gideon said. Reid shrugged.

"And you're point is? You mean you can't get out of the house a little bit. You know, just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I'm going to be constantly crying and trying to kill myself. Gideon smiled. He knew what Reid was trying to do yet again. He was trying to hide that he was sad, and get Gideon to trust him easily. He was just going to play into Spencer's fantasy that Gideon was that blind. He worked with way too many suicidal people to not know the signs. It was beautiful, but a little chilly. The sun was out, and leaves covered the ground letting the sunlight bounce off of them giving a golden color to match the content mood. Reid, on the other hand, wouldn't accept the beauty, and through his eyes, he saw a graveyard and everything was dark, and the sun was behind storm clouds, and it was raining hard, every once in a while, a crack of thunder and a blast of light would bounce off the earth harder than a pinball machine.

"Reid... you do know that I care about you?" Gideon asked. Reid nodded. "Then why do you argue with me?" Reid shrugged.

"I just have those days..."

"That seem to have been happening every day since you started self harming. I talked to Hotch, by the way. He wishes you luck, and he wants to visit, but unfortunately, the team has a case." Reid nodded.

"Yeah, because we all know the cases are much more important than me." Reid said without looking at Gideon. Gideon was taken aback by Reid's blunt response.

"Is that how you feel? That he doesn't care about you." Reid didn't stop walking, but Gideon did. The older man grabbed Reid's arm and stopped him. "Answer me."

"No, I'm just in a bad mood. It's what happens when you're a hopeless crazy suicidal person." Reid said.

"Let's go back to the apartment." Reid nodded and they both headed back without another word.

* * *

**A/N: So this was really short compared to the last two I think... but it was fun to write, and don't worry, this won't become a discipline fic. I've already got too many people reading that have waited so long, and I won't ruin it for them. =P**


	10. Chapter 10: Fault Is My Own

**A/N: Well, I didn't update yesterday. I stayed awake all night and finally fell asleep at seven in the morning and didn't wake up until six in the afternoon. Today is my bday, and stayed up all night again, and four cups of coffee, I couldn't resist squeezing a chapter before the long day starts.  
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**When the two finally got back to the apartment, nothing was said as they sat down and stayed quiet for a few minutes. Reid was for once bored. He had nothing to do, and his mind was racing through thoughts and memories of his childhood. He didn't want to revisit those, but he didn't know what to say to Gideon. And when Gideon was first to speak, Reid was thankful in one way, but feeling smothered yet again in the other way... then there was one way in his mind that just wished he could open the knife drawer and be alone, or at least feel the security and privacy... and normalcy of being able to lock his door, but all that was gone, and he felt exposed. He knew it was best for him, but he didn't want to be treated like he was on suicide watch, though he was, but still... he didn't need Gideon to think he'd try to kill himself any chance he got, and Reid didn't know how he'd get the older man to understand that without being able to prove it to him.

"What do you want to talk about today?" Reid opened his eyes with confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"I already told you we're going to talk every day. What do you want to talk about?" Gideon repeated.

"Um, how's the weather?" Reid knew it's not what Gideon meant, but he just didn't feel like talking about his feelings at the moment.

"Spencer, you know what I mean." Reid sighed

"I just don't feel like talking right now."

"Well, that's too bad."

"Okay... I'll just spill everything I feel then." Reid paused a moment. "I feel like crap... I wish I could just hurt myself to feel better in any way possible, I don't want to try anymore, I'm tired, exhausted. I think of horrid things from my past, hate pretty much everybody when I get agitated, um, I just want to be able to cry forever and never stop once, I want people to go away and let me be myself, and I hate everything about myself and wish I was a completely different person."

"And?"

"And what? You mean that wasn't enough?"

"I don't think you're being sincere. I think you're saying things what you think I expect you to. Sorry, try again." Reid sat back and closed his eyes.

"I'm really sad. I DO think of my past, and what it was worth in the end, and I don't know if my bad childhood was a cause of where I'm at now in a successful way... but I'm glad I'm here right now, and I know it could be worse, and I'm going to try and stop that from being possible. When I think about it, I don't know if I would've made it another day without you, and if it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't be here right now." Reid didn't say anything else, making Gideon sure he was one hundred percent sincere.

"That's enough for today I guess. I know you can do it..."

"What about you?" Reid asked absently.

"What do you mean?"

"You're making me spill my thoughts about this all, what about you?" Gideon sighed knowing Reid had a point.

"I think... I was blind before I left." Reid looked at him with confusion. "That everybody would be alright... and that you'd be alright. I considered the thought that anybody could be a self harmer, and ignored a short thought that any of you could. I thought about you... and figured you're smart, and wouldn't be dragged into something like that... so I dismissed that thought. I left without a care in the world except selfish things, and i regret every one of those. I didn't want to hurt you by leaving, I just wanted to escape. I never knew that it would have this effect." Gideon finally concluded.

"Gideon... it's not your fault." Reid punctuated every word. "It's all mine, and only mine. It has nothing to do with you. Please stop blaming yourself." Reid said before wiping the tears from his face.

"How long?" Gideon asked. Reid looked at him but didn't answer. "Tell me Spencer, how long has this been going on?"

"Not for long." Reid looked away. Gideon took his shoulders in a firm grip.

"Reid... how long have you been hurting yourself?"

"Before you left... maybe a month before you technically 'left'. When you stopped coming to work." Gideon nodded.

"I shouldn't have left."

"Gideon! Would you stop blaming yourself! It's not making me feel any better. I hate when people say it's their fault when they didn't even know. It was anything BUT your fault. Just... just leave me alone for a while..." Reid went to his room and shut the door. Gideon sighed. He knew it wasn't good to let Reid be alone after becoming very upset, but he figured he wouldn't be able to hurt himself. Gideon stood and walked to his room. He wished he could do more for Reid, but all he could do was wait and see. A few minutes later, he heard the water running, and didn't think anything of it, so he just went to sleep.

When he woke up, he walked out of his room and into the living room where Reid was sitting on the couch reading a book. He noticed Reid wasn't reading at his fast speed, but at a normal pace, turning the page once every minute. It seemed he was really into the book and didn't want to miss a word.

"Spencer, are you alright?" Reid looked up and closed the book.

"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine. Life's great isn't it?" Gideon couldn't help but notice the intentional sarcasm, but didn't reply.

"It is if you open your eyes to the good things."

"That's great... for you. Why don't you tell me what you see. Wanna know what I see? I see graveyards when I close my eyes, and when they're open, I can see my life turning more dark than physically possible. How is that great?"

"Spencer, you need to calm down."

"I need to calm down? I thought this is what you wanted, for me to spill my thoughts... these are the most sincere thoughts I have right now."

Gideon grabbed his shoulders tightly. "You really need to calm down." Gideon said firmly while looking deep into Reid's hazel eyes. Reid jerked away and stood up.

"I'm tired of being told what to do! Let me make my own choices for once!" Reid said loudly. Gideon stood too.

"Sit down." Reid didn't move. Gideon took his shoulders and forced him to the couch. "I'm tired of this. You need to deal with your emotions and cope the right way. That does not include hurting yourself or yelling at people. You need to learn that real quick if you want to get better. You understand?" Reid nodded without looking Gideon in the eyes. "Another part of your routine you're not going to like." Reid looked and Gideon with confused eyes, and Reid jerked his arms away when Gideon tried to roll the sleeves up. "I'm sorry Spencer, but I have to, and there's no stopping it." Gideon reached for Reid's arms again, but he jerked them away. Gideon slapped Reid's thigh and spoke. "Spencer, you've been pushing me, and I'm not going to deal with it." After fighting Reid, Gideon was able to get a strong grip on his arms and finally able to roll his sleeves up.

"Gideon! Let go of me!" Gideon didn't listen. He inspected his arms and noticed his cuts from before were picked at. Gideon sighed and closed his eyes.

"When did you do this?" Gideon asked.

"None of your business." Reid said stubbornly.

"It's very much my business." Reid crossed his arms and glared at Gideon. "Spencer Reid... when did you do this?" Reid didn't answer. "Three... if I get to one, I'm calling Hotch, and he can deal with you." Reid didn't so much as glance at him. "Two..."

"Earlier today." Reid said without emotion.

"Why?"

"Because I felt like it." Reid replied with a tone of defiance.

"We'll talk about it later." Gideon waited a minute. "How's your sleeping routine?"

"Just like the rest of my life... fucked."

"Now, is there really need for that?" Gideon asked.

"Yes."

"And what do you say about it being like that?"

"I don't know... sometimes I wish I was happy and I didn't hate myself. Sometimes I also wish I could run away and die alone where nobody could find me... that's what I had in my mind before I called you. It was my intention too. I was going to say goodbye to memories, the only thing that stayed with me through everything, even when I betrayed them, then die there in the cold. I thought dark things, I thought of what it would be like if somebody found me dead with blood everywhere... and my body frozen... but after I actually thought about how dark my thoughts were, and how much I was in danger, I decided to call you. I waited, and then Hotch and Morgan came. My best guess is they had Garcia track my phone... which I didn't think about. They pinned me to the ground, and I tried to tell them to leave me alone, and they were making everything worse, but they didn't listen. I think the reason I didn't even try to quit with Hotch was because it felt like he wasn't listening, and didn't give me a chance to open up. I don't blame him though, he just doesn't understand, and I could never blame anybody for my own mistake." Reid finally finished. Gideon wrapped an arm around him.

"That's what I expect every time I ask you to open up. Don't you feel better now?" Reid nodded.

"I don't want to do this though. My thoughts are mine, and only mine... they don't mean anything." Reid said without looking up from his hands.

"They do matter, if you keep them inside forever, then they'll eat at you, and make you do something you don't want to." Reid nodded.

"I never wanted anybody to find out. Then when Hotch did, I was a complete jerk. He was only trying to help, and I purposely pushed him to make him feel terrible. I don't know why he's still helping me; I don't deserve to be helped."

"Yes you do. Admitting that you were mean to him is great, and that means you do deserve help. You may feel guilty, but over time, you'll heal in every which way, and the guilt won't be as bad." Gideon thought for a minute. "You know, every day that I was gone, I thought about everyone, especially you. And I do regret abandoning you, because this probably wouldn't have happened..."

"Gideon, please, stop blaming yourself. This doesn't have anything to do with you, it's all on me."

"A lot of people are to blame, but that doesn't mean you have to take all of it."

"Gideon, please stop... it wasn't anybody else, just me and only me."

"No, it was from me leaving, from the stress of the job, and everything else..."

"It wasn't from that though. I already told you, it's my mom..." Reid said sadly.

"That was just a trigger." Reid nodded.

"I'm going to go back to bed." Reid said while he stood up.

"You sleep too much..." Gideon said.

"Well, I'm tired."

"You have half an hour, then it's time for lunch." Reid was going to protest, but he just sighed and walked to his room.

A/N: Ugh, writer's block is spreading. I haven't gotten my vaccine yet, so yeah, I'll be spending my time outside for inspiration. When I have writer's block, I write very OOC... answer this in a review: Do you do the same? Please tell me!


	11. Chapter 11: Never Too Late

A/N: I'm such a bad author. I don't have any excuses for not updating. I've been spending most my life living in an amish paradise... haha, just kidding, I've just been really lazy and surfing youtube. Plus I have Metal Militia, and group therapy on recover your life. So that really gets in the way, wait, that is an excuse, ugh, don't mind me, I'm just an annoying author's note. Click here to try a free sample of Dove body soap. (lol).

In the thirty minutes Gideon gave Reid to use to get ready for dinner, Reid washed the temporary tattoos off and sat on his bed. The thoughts in his head weren't there anymore, he actually felt better than before. He knew not to fool himself as if the sadness was gone. He knew better. It would all come back, only to let his hopes for recovery to vanish like his happy memories and a good life had when his life wasn't as terrible and when he was still naive. There was nothing in his mind at the moment, he was just staring off into space where he felt safe from sadness and painful memories, where he was invincible, not even the smallest instigation was made there inside his quiet mind. He felt at peace, only to be pulled out from the paradise when Gideon knocked on the door. Reid nearly jumped and fell to the floor as the sudden noise filled the open air.

"You awake?" Gideon asked outside the door.

"Yeah..." Reid breathed. Gideon noticed his voice was a little shocked, but he wasn't sure why.

Gideon walked in. "You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine... you just scared me." Gideon raised a brow, but didn't push further into the matter. He figured it was the truth, and if it wasn't, Gideon didn't want to know. He was still in slight denial of Reid's attempt at an abrupt departure to the world, but it was still there in his mind, forcing and pushing him, to comprehend the situation better than he'd grasped first attempt. He sighed while standing, leaving before the young man. Reid soon followed him to the kitchen where Gideon made Reid and himself a plate of food.

As they sat, not a sound was made as Reid looked down at his plate, moving the food around with his fork. He wasn't in the mood to eat. He didn't feel it was something a person like him deserved. Gideon looked over at him and prayed his profiling skills were still intact. He knew the kid was depressed by what Reid was telling him, but he didn't realize it was that bad. He was suddenly hit by realization that Reid was not okay, and that the matters were worse than what his mind was willing to allow. Gideon spoke quietly as to not scare the young man again.

"Spencer, you should eat... it's not healthy to starve yourself."

"I'm not starving myself. I never eat a lot." Reid countered without looking up. Gideon sighed inaudibly.

"I know when something's wrong."

"You already know what's wrong." Reid said still not looking up.

"I do, but... I just don't know." Gideon finally admitted.

Reid looked up. There were tears in his eyes, and Gideon now felt the pain the younger man felt. He knew why he was so sad.

"I don't deserve any help. I don't deserve people to care about me." Gideon sat in shock. It took a few moments for Gideon to grasp the words.

"Why's that?" Gideon pushed. He was hoping Reid would open up more than he thought he was, but it looked like he tricked the old profiler.

"I've been pushing people away... and they're still here. I don't deserve help." Gideon shook his head.

"That's not true."

"What is the truth then? Are you saying I haven't been a complete jerk, and that I haven't been trying to push people away?" Gideon didn't answer. "Tell me... I need to know the truth."

"It's expected." Gideon said vaguely.

"See. It's the truth."

"That has no determination whether or not we should give up on you. Not one single bit. We would never give up. If I have to follow you wherever you go, and take note of your every single move, I'll do it, because I will never give up. You shouldn't either."

"I know. I know... I just don't want to disappoint you or Hotch. I don't want to be a failure..."

"Reid!" Reid was shocked by Gideon's use of his last name. "You are not, nor ever will be, a failure. Slipping and mistakes are not failures, they're just lessons to make you stronger as a person."

"I know that, but it doesn't seem like it. It seems every time I try to stop, it just gets thrown away, like all that work was for nothing." Gideon sighed. "I'm going back to bed."

"You need to eat first." Reid stood up and left without another word to Gideon.

Gideon shook his head at Reid's stubbornness. As he took care of the dishes, he wondered, really, if he was going to be able to help Reid out of his pit of pity. -

Reid didn't go to sleep. There were too many things on his mind, like how his mom was doing. Bad, he thought. He wondered what Gideon and Hotch must think of him, and that they were probably going to give up on him. He sat on the edge of his bed and wished he could get something sharp... just to ease the pain in his heart. He spent the rest of the night crying silently so Gideon wouldn't hear him. Later, it must've been three hours, until Gideon went to Reid's room. At that point, the tears were gone, and he just sat on his bed staring at a picture of his mom.

"She'll be okay, Spencer. You know that." Reid rubbed his red eyes and nodded.

"I know. I just wish I could've helped her more."

"There wasn't anything you could have done to prevent it." Gideon waited a moment. "You know it'll all work out."

"I know. I just wonder, how long will it take?" Reid asked, finally looking up.

"I don't know the answer to that question, but time will answer." Gideon left the room, leaving Reid to his thoughts. He wasn't able to answer his own question in the time between when Gideon left and when he finally fell asleep, but the thought remained in his semi-peaceful sleep that only time would answer his questions.

'Even if I say it'll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life, now and again we try to just stay alive, maybe we'll turn it around 'cause it's not too late, it's never too late' -Three Days Grace (Never Too Late)

A/N: well, shorter than I wanted, but at least I got something up before I started working on my entry for Dealer's Choice Round Three. Ugh, pairing will be hard, at least for me. hehe. Please review. 


	12. Chapter 12: Instigating

**A/N: Okay, I know the last couple chapters have been all just different version of repeat, but now that Hotch will be back -yes, he's not gone... still one of the main characters- there'll be arguing... and I'm not going to say more, because it'll just give it away. Okay, simple question, have you ever been reading and wondered what the voice inside your head sounds like? I think mine sounds like microsoft sam. lolz. Anyway... yeah.  
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* * *

**Reid laid on his bed the rest of the afternoon. He was still thinking about his mom, and worried more than ever. He dug through everything he knew, which was a lot, to figure out what he could do. Soon, he was at a dead end, and faced the fact that he couldn't do anything. He was left to wait and see, and yet, that information seemed too vague of information. He needed answers that weren't real.  


* * *

Gideon sat silently thinking about what he was going to do. Reid just seemed to be getting worse, and there didn't seem to be any answers for him. He now knew what it was like to worry about somebody and not be able to do anything. He'd just have to hope for Hotch to be able to get him to come to terms with it all. And minutes later, Hotch walked in, and Gideon couldn't help but thank god silently.

"How is he?" Hotch asked worriedly.

"He's... not alright." Hotch sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "He's really worried about his mom." Hotch nodded.

"I know..." Gideon waited a few moments. "He started when I left."

"Jason..."

"I shouldn't have left. I could've prevented this."

"Jason... it's not your fault..." Hotch started.

"You're saying I couldn't have stopped it? You're saying this has nothing to do with when I left?"  


* * *

Reid stayed silent as he stood outside his room in the hall hidden from the two men and listened. He'd heard every word Gideon said, and couldn't help but feel guilty for all the distress he was causing, and how he was hurting the people he loved most. The tears on his face were quickly wiped away angrily. He was angry at himself and at the people who decided to stay close to him. He felt they needed to be away from him to stay away from the terrible things he burdened them all with. He stopped himself determinedly from sobbing to listen more.

"I'm saying you couldn't have known this was going to happen." Hotch said quietly.

"I don't know how we're going to help him. I think me being here is making it worse. I had him talking to me, but... he's getting pretty bad. I don't know if I'll be able to help him."

"It takes time."

"I know. But I'm not really sure he'll get better before he gets worse." Hotch nodded.

"Where is he?"

"He's in his room. Been there most of the day... he's alright. I've been checking on him." Hotch let out a breath of relief.

"Well, I'm going to go talk to him."

Reid hurried back into his room and sat on the bed. Soon after, Hotch knocked and walked in.

"You alright?" Reid shrugged without looking up. "You sleeping alright." Reid nodded. "Eating?" Reid nodded.

"It's my fault..."

"What is?" Hotch asked curiously.

"I heard you two talking." Reid said sadly.

"And what does that mean?" Hotch asked.

"It means I need to get away from everybody. I only cause pain. You don't have to worry about me anymore." Reid said while wiping the stray tears off his face.

"We're not leaving, Spencer. You know that."

"You won't willingly." Reid looked up. "I need to be away from people."

"Not going to happen, whether you except it or not. We're not going to leave you alone until this is all over."

"It's never going to be over." He looked back down.

"Come on. Let's go get something to eat." Hotch said softly.

"I'm not hungry."

"And I didn't ask you." Hotch paused for a second. "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't care."

"Okay then. Get ready." Reid got up slowly. The last thing he did before he left his room was grab something from under his bed. He hurriedly lifted his shirt off himself. He didn't want to get caught with them on his arms, knowing Gideon would check. He figured anywhere else would work, as long as he stayed away from the veins. He cut enough to barely bleed, and somehow, it was enough. He quickly put the razor back. He couldn't believe he forgot he kept one there. Not wanting to worry Hotch and Gideon, he hurriedly put his shirt back on and left the room. They gave him weak smiles, and Reid returned them.

* * *

Reid ate barely enough to reassure Hotch he was eating, though it still wasn't enough to be healthy. Reid still didn't look either of them in the eyes.

"Are you done, Spencer?" Gideon asked. Reid nodded, suddenly feeling anxious. He just needed to get away from people.

"Are you sure. You haven't eaten much." Hotch interrupted.

"I'm sure. Why do you think I'm not eating much? This is how much I usually eat." Reid said finally looking up. "I know you guys are worried about me, but I'm an adult and can take care of myself. I don't need people making choices for me."

"We're not making choices for you. We're just helping you to be sure you're making the right decisions." Gideon said.

"And what if I'm sure my decisions are right, but you don't like them, huh? Does that mean you'll just back off and let me follow through with them, or will you try to control me?"

"Of course not, I won't let you hurt yourself."

"I'm tired of this... guys, let's go outside." Hotch interrupted their argument.

"More people making decisions for me and controlling me. Just like I said." Reid said as he glared at Gideon. He followed them outside after Hotch paid the bill.

"Reid, you need to realize right now we're trying to help you. Gideon didn't have to come. He could've just left you there, but he didn't. He cares about you, and so do I, so whatever we do, we're doing it to help you."

"Heard that before." Reid said.

"Come on, let's just go. The sooner we get you home, the sooner you can get some rest, then hopefully you won't be in such a bad mood." Hotch said while sharing a glance with Gideon.

* * *

When they got back to the apartment, Reid went straight to his room. Gideon looked at Hotch and shook his head.

"See what I mean?" He asked. Hotch nodded. "Well, since he's probably going to go to bed soon, I should go check his room. It's part of his new routine. Along with me checking him for any sign of mutilation. Gideon headed for Reid's room. Hotch just wondered what good they were doing.

Gideon knocked on the door before walking in. Reid was sitting on the bed staring blankly. "Spencer, I need to check your room." Reid shrugged.

Gideon looked first in the drawers, and was relieved there was nothing there, then proceeded to under the bed, and yet again, relieved. Lastly, he checked the half-empty, as Reid saw it, closet. He was happy to not find anything, but he was dreading to check Reid for cuts. Last time he did that, he revealed many cuts all parallel to each other. Gideon sat next to Reid on the bed.

"I'm going to have to check you for..." Reid nodded and pulled his sleeves up revealing the scars, healing wounds, and stitches on his wrists.

Gideon looked at him suspiciously. "Look at me." Reid did. "If I asked you if you had any more new cuts on you, would you lie?" Reid shook his head. "Do you?" Reid shook his head again. Reid looked Gideon straight in the eye. Gideon fell under his trick and believed him. "Okay, well, goodnight." He patted Reid's shoulder before leaving.

* * *

"Well?" Hotch asked.

"He's good."

"You check his whole body?"

"No." Gideon stated. "I asked him. He looked me straight in the eye when he said it." Hotch shook his head.

"He's good at lying." Hotch waited a minute knowing Gideon wouldn't do it. "If you're not going to do it, I will." Gideon sat down on the couch and watched as Hotch walked down the hallway to Reid's room.

Hotch walked in without knocking. Reid looked up at him. "Yeah Hotch?"

"I don't believe you. You can get your way around things with Gideon, but not with me." Hotch stated.

"What are you talking about?"

"He checked only your arms..." Reid shook his head.

"No. I'm not going to let you do that to me. Please leave so I can get some sleep."

"Don't fool yourself Reid. I know you haven't been sleeping. You don't ever. I'm not going to fall into denial with Gideon. Now, we can do this the easy way and get it done, or I can do it myself, but there's no getting out of it."

"Leave me alone, please." Reid said not too nicely. "I just need to be away from people right now."

"Sorry, Reid, but you're not getting out of it." Reid sat back and glared at Hotch. "This is your last chance, or I'll do it myself."

"Stay away from me." Reid ordered.

"Gideon..." Hotch called. Soon, Gideon was in the room with a worried look on his face. "He's decided he can't do it on his own. Mind helping me?" Gideon nodded.

"Spencer, last chance." Gideon said. Reid just glared at them both.

Gideon sighed as he walked over to Reid. Reid shifted further away from them.

"Get away from me!" Reid yelled. Gideon tried for Reid's arms, but he pulled them away and started trying to hit them both, but Gideon was able to grab his arms firmly. Hotch started to unbutton Reid's shirt, but he kept moving around so much that Hotch wasn't able to do anything. Gideon place Reid's arms firmly against the bed so that he wasn't able to move much. Hotch finally got all the buttons undone and revealed some shallow cuts on his side. Hotch looked at Gideon who closed his eyes, trying not to let the tears escape his eyes. Hotch then moved to Reid's pants and pulled them down. Thankfully for Reid, Hotch allowed him to keep some dignity by leaving his boxers on. There weren't any cuts on his legs. Hotch helped Reid put his clothes back on. Reid rubbed his arms and glared at Gideon.

"I wouldn't have had to do that if you would've just cooperated." Hotch was still looking at Reid.

"I'm not going to start being nice about any of this until you finally realize that all that we're doing is try to help you. Now, where is it?"

"None of your business."

"Spencer, do you want to get better?" Gideon asked, sitting down next to him.

"No."

"Well we do, because we care about you. You do know that right?"

"Leave me alone." Hotch looked at Gideon, silently telling him to leave him alone.

They both left the room. "What was that about. So we're just going to let him do this to himself?"

Hotch shook his head. "Just give him time. He'll come around." Gideon looked at him shocked.

* * *

Reid sat on his bed with the tears cascading down his cheeks. He didn't want to stop, he realized. He'd given up. He didn't want to try anymore, because trying seemed too hard.

* * *

**A/N: Well, I gave you guys a longer chapter as a thank you for all the wonderful reviews. This is by far my most successful story yet. And I have to again thank all my readers who've been so patient with my terribly messed up routine of updating. Luvs for you all!**


	13. Chapter 13: Revelations

**A/N: Okay, would've updated sooner, but my mom decided she wanted to go on an 'adventure'. We ended up in the car for five hours straight and went to Mackinac Bridge. Just look it up on Google Images and you'll know what's so great about it, even though we go there once a week pretty much. So... compared to the rest of my stories, I have a lot of reviews. 47 is the most I've ever had... EVER. That's great... keep 'em coming!**

Gideon followed Hotch to the living room with a worried plastered on his face. The worry virus was going back and forth between the two. First, it was Gideon that was worried, then Hotch, then Gideon again. He didn't understand why it was going on like that.

"So you're just going to let him do that to himself?" Gideon asked as he sat on the couch.

"No. He'll come around. He'll start realizing he's pushing us away, then he'll open up more and we'll be able to get him to do as we say, then we can help him through this. It'll all work out Jason, you just have to give it time." Hotch said softly.

"What if he tries something?"

"If he was going to try something, he would've done it already." Hotch answered.

"I still don't like this."

"Me either."

* * *

Reid didn't dare go to sleep. He didn't want the memories in his dreams of either shooting an unsub, or being tortured by one... or even the good memories when his mom wasn't ill. He remembered long ago, when he was around four years old. He and his dad were playing at the park in the neighborhood. His dad was playing with him on the slide, then remembered all the horrible things his dad did to him after he was older. He wiped at the tears angrily, and wished for just one moment of his life to be happy, and sincere happiness. Not just the masks that covered all the sadness and darkness of the world, and the thoughts drifted toward the wondering if he'd be able to make it to the next month, next week, or even tomorrow, and he hated feeling that way. He hated the fact that he couldn't get others, specifically Hotch and Gideon, to understand how hard it was to conquer your demons on such a short level of self confidence. It was dreadful to realize your problems were terrible, and nearly impossible to stop without that confidence you don't have. With that thought, he realized that his family were being pushed, pulled, and torn at by his mistakes, and he didn't want them to have to suffer for his wants... he knew at that point he needed to stop. But how he was going to do that, he didn't know.

* * *

Meanwhile, Gideon and Hotch sat in defeating silence as their thoughts came to one conclusion. Were they strong enough to help him? They knew they could help, but only one could help so much, and that wasn't enough to fix one person. They were tired, and not just the tiring from not being able to sleep. Tired from the emotions, and the weakness they felt, and mostly for the pity they'd always be putting on the kid's shoulders. Maybe it wasn't good to treat him as if he was suicidal, despite him being that exactly on. It was all so confusing to them, and they couldn't profile themselves for the answers that weren't there. The answer was inside Reid, and it wasn't a question that could be answered. If he wanted to get better was all that mattered. No matter the answer, it would be an unsure one, and there'd still be that slight weight pulling down the other option also, they just needed as many people to support to way the better down.

It took them a minute to realize Reid was there with them, his head down and long, thick hair covering his face from the obvious tears that had been silently cascading down his face previously. They sat and tried to look without pity or emotion. They wouldn't be able to all break down crying and handle all of the emotion all at once. They waited, expectantly, for Reid to do something. After what seemed for minutes, he sat down next to Gideon on the far end of the couch. Finally, he looked up and met their eyes sincerely showing he was meaning everything they saw, and what they saw were eyes of determination. Still, they waited for him to speak.

"I know I have been a pain in the ass, and half of what I was doing was just to rebel against you two..." He paused, noticing his gaze was slipping as the words were getting tangled and caught in his throat. "And I know this is making everything harder on everybody." The tears were now close to exploding out of his eyes. "And I know this has all been just a big bunch of crap..." The tears were now on his cheeks, and a few stray ones from before were dripping onto his lap as he fought to keep his eyes up. "... but I'm going to start pulling my own weight. I don't want to lose you... either of you... do you forgive me?" Reid couldn't hold out any longer. He dropped his gaze to the twisting hands in his lap, hoping more than anything that they would forgive him. He feared the answer would be no as the silence drew to a more tense position, and Reid now found himself the center of attention in the seemingly big circle of nothingness except the two there, and there wasn't a way out. He'd opened his mouth, and he'd get an answer, so now the hope was all he could rely on for the two people he considered fathers more than his own biological father, to forgive him. After what seemed, in Reid's mind, a very long eternity, Gideon spoke up.

"I don't know about Hotch, because he's had to deal with you longer than I have, but I do forgive you, and always will. No matter the circumstance. I would never, ever give up on you or forget. I will always be here to help you." Gideon said softly. More tears welled up in Reid's eyes, but more so full of happiness than the dark sadness that almost took his life.

"Despite what Gideon may be implying, I do forgive you same as Gideon. We're your family, and families never give up on one another. You have been a pain in the ass somewhat, but it could have been worse. I would deal with that the rest of my life rather than have you dead. You know that, and keep that in your mind next time you decide you want to give up..." Hotch started.

"I won't."

"Let's hope not." Gideon and Hotch said in unison.

"Are you ready to give it up?" Reid thought for a moment with his eyes back on his lap. He certainly did want to give up cutting, but he didn't want the object out of his possession. It was his comfort object, even when he was trying to quit. He'd be able to rock himself back and forth with it clutched in his hand and the need would go away, if only for a little while. It wasn't there just to hurt him, it had helped him and taught him a lot just by the sharpness of it. But he knew, if he wanted to stop, that would be the right way to go in the first step.

"Are you?" Gideon said again.

"Yes... but..." Reid put his head in his hands and breathed deeply. "It's hard."

"We're not saying it's not, and we know it'll be hard to every aspect of your recovery, but if you stop this now, you'll look back at this, and love that you quit." Hotch said as softly as he could. "Where is it?"

"Under my bed..." Reid said without lifting his head. Hotch stood up and put a hand on Reid's shoulder before heading to Reid's room. Gideon sat closer to him and hugged him slightly.

"I'm proud of you." Reid gave in to the sobs caught in his throat. Gideon took him into his arms and shushed him. Reid was confused by the emotions. He wasn't sure if he was sad that he'd be stopping, and that it'd be hard, or if he was happy that they forgave him, or if it was just the relief that he knew he wouldn't be able to take his own life. "You know that I am right?" Reid nodded. "And that I'm glad that you're coming to terms with this?" He nodded again. "And you know you're going to therapy too?" Reid looked up.

"Do I really have to go?" Reid asked.

"Do you need it?"

"Well... I'm not..."

"Do you?"

"Yes." Reid answered finally.

"You just answered your own question kiddo."

"When?" Reid asked.

"We'll schedule it tomorrow, but I'm not sure exactly when. It'll be alright Spencer. Nobody wants to do you any harm. Whatever we do, it's not for the worse. I hope you'll come to terms with that statement."

Hotch walked into the room after a few seconds. The look on his face was softer. He seemed proud too, but Reid didn't want to fall under the happiness just yet. It would only cause a problem if something bad happened, then the rebound of sadness would be worse then it would if he'd already been sad. So he decided to wait until he knew it was safe to be happy again, if it made sense.

"Are any of you hungry?" Hotch asked.

"Not really, but I'll try to eat." Reid said while looking back down.

"You're going to have to eat. Developing anorexia isn't the right way to go. It'll just cause more problems." Gideon said.

"I said I'll try. Isn't trying good enough?"

"Of course it is. We just don't want you to just try. We want you to try your hardest... at all of this." Hotch added.

"I'll try..." Reid said with uncertainty. Gideon put a supportive hand on his shoulder.

* * *

A/N: I feel this was short. But... oh well. Hmm, ironic that I relapsed right after I wrote this... maybe I should follow in Reid's steps. XD Anyway, another 'excuse' as to why I haven't updated at all... my comp got a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY bad virus on it, and it took days to fix because I had to do a full comp scan with kaspersky, which took six hours, and I had to sit there and click delete virus every five seconds, ugh... that and I had to do objects scan, which took two hours, and a quick scan that took a few minutes. All in all, it worked out and I deleted 52 different viruses... XD.


	14. Chapter 14: Broken Clock

**A/N: Okay, so here we are readers, last chappie... what? Don't whine, cause I'm just kidding. Nope, I could not EVER conclude it in one chapter, and it's not that easy either, especially when you have a bond with the fic. Anyway, I should be reported for neglect since I haven't updated. Hmm... I wonder what excuse I should use now?  
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* * *

**Just like Reid had promised that night, he tried to eat, and managed half of the amount on his plate. Barely enough to satisfy the two elder men, but at least he was making an effort. And though his geeky awkwardness and statistics being spouted off everywhere, there was glints of conversation rather than the tension and anger filled silence that'd been usual the past weeks.

"So; I called and made an appointment for you to see a therapist." Reid looked up from the book he had, honestly, been reading. "You'll see Dr. Hennings next Tuesday at noon." Reid nodded with obvious reluctance on his face.

"It's alright Spencer." Gideon insisted and gripped his shoulder firmly.

"I know." Reid ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "It's just frustrating. It's hard to describe how I feel. I'm relieved in many ways, but I'm scared. I don't have anything to be scared about."

"It's all part of the steps you have to take. We're here for you." Gideon insisted. "Go get ready for bed. I'll be up there in a few minutes." Reid nodded and headed toward his room. Gideon turned to Hotch who was listening intently on the conversation.

"He's scared."

"I know. I just want to know why." Gideon admitted blankly.

"There's one possibility he's scared of this triggering schizophrenia. Even though it's not likely he'll inherit it." Hotch sighed.

* * *

After Reid had gotten his night clothes on and settled, Gideon walked in and smiled weakly at him. "Am I going to have to fight with you this time?" Reid sighed and shook his head. "You do know I wouldn't do this unless it was really necessary right?"

"Gideon, I don't have anything to hide. You know. Everyone on the team knows. I screwed up." Reid sat up. "I screwed up big."

"Needing help isn't screwing up. You need to understand that. You know that you don't want to do this, and I know that, so does Hotch and the rest of the team."

"Then why can't I stop?" Reid asked with edge to his voice, though unintentional. "Why can't I stop then?"

"Because... I can't answer that for you. We can do everything to help you find the answers you're looking for, but we can't answer everything for you. In order to get better, you have to help yourself too." Gideon paused. "Let's just get this over with." Reid nodded and proceeded to take his T-shirt off gently over the healing wound. Once Gideon nodded approvingly, Reid stepped out of his warm Einstein pajama bottoms. After redressing, Reid turned to Gideon.

"I-I..." Reid chose his words carefully. "I'm still feeling really sad. No matter how much you try to help, I don't think it'll be enough to make me happy. I'm just really on the darker side lately, I guess. That's the only explanation I have so far."

"I don't need one. I just need for you to hold out until you can get some anti-depressants." Gideon said calmly.

"Night Gideon." Reid stood and gave him a quick hug that was returned.

"Night Spencer." Gideon turned the light off, leaving only the small shimmer of light from the nightlight by the bed.

Gideon walked back out to the dimly lit living room where Hotch still was. He looked up expectantly at Gideon.

"He's fine." Hotch sighed and sat back.

"How did it come to this?" Hotch pondered.

"What do you mean?" Gideon asked curiously.

"I mean sure, the kid's still innocent and naive, but why him? He's so innocent, and just still too young to be held with the burden. He might lose his job at the BAU if Strauss thinks he's incapable of this job. I don't know how long I can hold her back from this."

"He still has a chance. Attempted suicide only means trauma. It comes with the job."

"That's what I mean Jason. What if she thinks he can't take this job, even if he can, she'll probably do it to break up the team."

"Like I said, he still has a chance to pass a psych eval. Even if he doesn't still work in the BAU, we're still going to be there for him. We're his family. Everything will work out." Gideon insisted even though there was still doubt in his head.

"What if everything goes wrong. What if we start trusting him more... and he-"

"We wait to see if he gets better. Until then, we can only help him along the path. We can't keep answering his questions. He's got to work for himself too." Gideon reassured Hotch.

"Go home, shower, get some sleep. I can handle it here."

"I doubt I'll be able to sleep." Hotch said truthfully. It'd be hard for them all to sleep.

"Try. You have to work. I don't. That's the beauty of the way this works." Gideon was able to crack a smile, which lightened the tense mood. Hotch nodded, said goodbye, and reluctantly left. Gideon sighed and sat down. He couldn't think with so many things on his mind at once. So when Reid walked out of his room slowly, he jumped.

"I thought you were sleeping."

"Can't sleep." Reid said with a hint of sadness in his tone.

"You should at least try." Reid shrugged and sat on the couch. "What's wrong? Talk to me."

"I guess it's just one of those nights."

"Those nights as in a nightmare?" Gideon asked absently. Reid nodded. "You wanna talk about it?" He shook his head.

"Talking won't help much, I've found out that much. I just have to ride the night out I guess."

"What do you want to do then? I can't sleep either."

"Chess?" Reid suggested. Gideon smiled. "I'll go get the board and pieces."

They played chess for hours and made jokes. Finally, after one last game, they were tired enough to go to bed.

**A/N: Small filler chapter. Sorry guys. I do think this fic is close to closure. And just incase you've forgotten, I'm still going to work on Call Of Duty that's soon to be posted! Yay. I can't wait myself. Any ideas for gruesome, mind boggling, or even CRAZY ideas for an unsub/case, please PM (people read reviews, and if I do use your idea, it would ruin a surprise) and soon to be on my profile the reviewer points. I'm going to start giving points to people who review! Okay, enough of me babbling out another AN, so, lovedrreid out! **


	15. Chapter 15: Checkmate

**A/N: Well... No excuse... Just life catching up. Now have a counselor for my cutting and depression issues and a boyfriend that I've been with 7 months now. Been cut free for a month now. Haven't been on in a while and I apologize, I know you've all been waiting. So hopefully I don't mess up, as I've forgotten the details of my fictions. Here goes...**

The next morning Reid woke up, Gideon was still asleep, so he decided to just lay back down for a coupole hours until he heard him finally climb out of bed. There were noises in the kitchen and in a few minutes he heard the coffee maker start. In another few minutes, he could smell it too. So, this was the perfect incentive to get out of bed. He walked into the kitchen with a sly smile on his face.

"I had a feeling you'd finally get up and stop faking sleep if you knew there was coffee done." He gave his own sly smile to Spencer. He should have known, Gideon may be a little rusty from the time away from the BAU but he could still profile better than himself.

He reached for a cup and poured his own, making sure to add sugar to it before sitting down at the table across from his mentor. It was quiet a few minutes, but not the awkward silence that was oh so usual for them. It was peaceful, a calm moment of no fighting or arguing, just relaxation with a friend.

"So... how did you sleep?" Gideon eyed Spencer for a few moments before he answered, taking note of every single one of his behaviors, but found nothing to prove he was lying when he said he'd slept fine. Maybe he was just getting good at lying, or maybe things were starting to turn around for them. Maybe, just maybe, the fight was over and it was all getting better. He didn't get his hopes up though, because he knew it was a fight, a long one at that, and it would be a lot harder than just a good night's sleep.

"Well I'm glad you slept good. Maybe we should go for a walk or something today... it's supposed to be warm, I hear."

"That'd be great. I'm tired of being stuck in this house anyways. It'd be nice to get out, even to just walk." He said with more happiness in his voice.

"But..." He said holding up a hand. "You need to eat before we leave, please."

"No promises. I'll try... but not promising anything."

After about half an hour, Reid had ate more than Gideon thought he would, sure he had to lay down for a while so he didn't make himself sick, but at least he ate a lot for once. Gideon could see everything getting better, and because why? Maybe it was the talk they had last night during chess?

_They had both made their moves, and Gideon winning every single game so far, but they were still both having a good time in the silent conversation over the chess pieces. _

_"So how did this all start? If you don't mind me asking." Gideon said softly._

_"Well... my mom was really sick, and everyone else was happy... all I could do was worry about her. I blamed myself, thinking if I would have just stayed with her and not sent her away that I could cure her. I believed I should have been punished, so I took a knife to my arm. It felt good, so I did it again and again. I told myself enough was enough but I started doing it every day."_

_Gideon thought for a few moments, letting it all sink in. "But it's not your fault. Realize that. Realize you don't need a blade or knife to feel better. Just think, she could be worse, but you took care of her when you were just a kid. You did good. Better than what most could do. What you did was best for her and for you." Gideon said reassuringly, getting a smile from across the chess board as he made his last move._

_"Checkmate." He grinned._

_"Rematch?" Gideon asked._

_"If you think I can't beat you again, then so be it." They set up the board again, starting the game over. _


End file.
